days of odd Avengers
by DeadWoman
Summary: Random and weird chapters about the avengers. May contain a lot of hulk/Ironman chapters
1. Chapter 1

The sexual tension between Bruce and Tony was almost too much to bear. Steve Rogers could hardly focus on the meeting with the scientists staring at each other and mouthing comments.

It was starting to affect everyone. Clint and Natasha were both glaring at the pair and Thor was looking amused. Steve guessed that there weren't many gay men on whatever planet Thor was from.

Except Loki.

Steve laughed at his own joke. His chuckle snapped Tony out of his reverie. Any chance to insult him.

"What you laughing at, Frozen?" Tony raised his eyebrow.

"You wouldn't understand." Steve said, snootily. Although Tony would probably approve.

"I love Frozen. Disney film. Wasn't it just great?" Bruce interrupted them with a sigh. "Genius, you were going to get me the DVD."

"It's not your birthday yet. Two more weeks." Tony said.

"But I _did _give you the idea of a glove that anyone could put on and shoot lasers and shit like that." Bruce said.

"Then you sat on it." Tony glared at him. Bruce smirked.

Nick Fury rolled his eyes. "Avengers! Concentrate! Stark, what's the problem?" he boomed.

Clint jumped slightly.

"Well, my fellow superheroes, the problem is that you've all noticed some serious awkward tension in the air." Tony stood up and tapped the big screen. A photo of the Avengers popped up.

"Finally." Natasha sighed.

"Let's start with you, Natasha." Tony used his laser pointer and circled Natasha then Clint. "And you, Clint. The tension here is unbearable. It's affecting your work, your training and your relationship. Just date already."

Clint turned a fiery shade of red and ignored Thor's whispers of _get in there_.

"Thor." Tony shook his head. "Thor, Thor, Thor."

"What?"

"Where do I start? Maria Hill." Tony said and Thor groaned.

"The human woman approached me, in a tight suit, and seduced me."

"And the almighty God let himself be seduced?" Tony asked. "Now, onto Cap'n 'America."

"Me?" Steve's face was priceless

"You." Tony nodded.

"I'm fine. I haven't done anything." Steve protested.

"That's the problem. You don't do much. Sure, you have that secret identity shit."

"The superhero shit, you mean? Where I continually save the planet from mass chaos and destruction?" Steve raised his eyebrow.

"Yes. That. But Nat and Clint are spies. Thor's this big God man. Me and Brucie are scientists."

"Brucie? And I'm a womaniser." Steve grinned.

"Well, not really." Natasha said.

"I am."

"Before you were frozen perhaps, but how many women have you slept with post-freezing?"

Tony wondered how this conversation had turned to a talk about Captain's sex life.

"In a bed?" Steve asked.

"Well, not always in a bed." Thor smirked. At Steve's confused expression, he sighed. "Sure, for one as conservative as you, in a bed."

"I slept in a bed with my -dead- sister's great-grandchild's niece." Steve said.

"So you're a relative of hers?" Bruce asked.

"Distant." Steve confirmed.

"But still related?" Clint said.

"Yes, I suppose."

"You _slept _with your relative?"

"Yes, have you not shared a bed and slumber with a relative before?"

Tony stared at him in disbelief. "No!"

Clint and Natasha were looking horrified. Thor was concealing a laugh. Bruce and Tony were just staring.

"It's fun. We caught up on our family before we slept together." Steve said.

"Wait. You talked about your family then slept together. With your relative." Tony shuddered. "You're even more sexually messed up than Thor."

"I see an opportunity, I take it." Thor shrugged then turned to Natasha. "Isn't that right, hot stuff?"

"What?" Natasha asked.

"I said you know all about my sexuality."

"I'm still confused."

"Sexually messed up? That means I Ike strange sex right?" Steve asked Tony and Bruce.

"Yes, I suppose." Bruce said thoughtfully. "It'd be a good experiment to conduct..."

"How is sleeping with a relative sexually messed up?" Steve interrupted him.

"How is it not?" Tony said.

"It's just two people together in a bed."

"You're related!"

"You never slept with your sister or such?"

"Oh my God." Tony closed his eyes.

"But sleepovers? I assume that's when people sleep in the same bed together."

"But they don't sleep together." Tony sighed.

"I'd like to make it known that I haven't slept with Thor!" Natasha told them.

"Yet." Thor said.

"Wait. I know what's going on." Bruce said. "Steve what did you do when you slept together?"

"Oh gross. My sex life is vivid enough, I don't need to hear Frozen's." Tony made a face.

"We slept. Duh." Steve rolled his eyes.

"You mean. You _slept _with your relative? Like slept, sleeping and dreaming?" Bruce asked.

"Yes."

"Thank Christ."

"Why? What did you think I meant?"

Clint glanced at the group. "Should we tell him?"

"Tell me what?"

"Should we? Group decision. Personally I vote yes."

"No. Keep his innocence." Natasha said.

"Yes. This is hilarious." Thor winked at Natasha.

"Yes. He needs to know the modern lingo." Tony said.

"No." Bruce gave Tony a glare. "I like his old-fashioned ways."

"So we'll tell him?" Tony asked.

"Sure." Clint said.

"Tell me what?"

"Captain, you know many modern words. Especially for having sex." Thor began.

"Like banging, blah, blah, blah." Clint continued.

"But another one is sleeping together. So when you said you slept with your relative," Tony trailed off.

"We thought you'd banged your relative." Natasha said bluntly.

"Oh my God! Ew! You guys have bad minds! Bad minds!" Steve glared at them.

"Well, you didn't help yourself! Surely you must have heard that expression before!" Tony protested.

"No! Or do you think I would have said I'd slept with my relative?"

"Maybe. I have a great story that starts with a distant step-cousin-in-law and a bed." Thor said with pride.

_Pride. _

...

"The meeting's over, Nick." Tony laid his hand on Fury's shoulder as everyone passed him as they left.

"Okay, Stark." Fury said. "And don't call me Nick."

"Sure thing. Nick."

**Have only seen Avengers once but am a big enough fan rn to write 10000 fanfics about them. R&R. Review ideas for future chapters as well. These will be one-shots or I'll do part 1, part 2, blah, blah, blah.**


	2. Chapter 2 : All BruceTony

**this is all going to be pure bruny/stanner/ironhulk.**

Bruce exhaled deeply as Tony's shirt rode up as Tony bent down to tie his Converse lace. Bruce was _not _admiring his ass.

He was observing for scientific purposes.

Dreamily, Bruce doodled a heart in his notebook and wrote _Bruce Banner-Stark. _

"What you writing?" Tony reappeared and Bruce slammed his notebook shut.

"Nothing. It's a, um, letter of, um, complaint." he stammered.

"To who?"

"Thor. He won't let me have a go on his hammer."

Tony chuckled. "Are you aware how gay that sounds, Bruce?" Tony reached up for a box of cereal. "Lucky charms good enough for his hulkness?"

"Great. Yum." Bruce said, distracted by the dimples when Tony smiled. And he was embarrassed. Tony didn't know he was gay yet. Obviously, otherwise this conversation would be very different. If only Tony was gay.

"I won a mini Hulk action figure in a cereal box the other week. You got famous." Tony mentioned.

"Oh. Well people have seen the giant green rage monster." Bruce said.

"Sure but I just thought," Tony started then shook his head. "Never mind. How much milk?"

...

Tony couldn't stop staring at Bruce. Not that he noticed. Bruce was agonisingly oblivious to everything. The way Tony 'tied his laces' so he could subtly show off his ass. The way Tony had bought loads of cereal boxes and worked his way through a ton of Batmans and Nick Fury action figures to find his Hulk. His Hulk, his Bruce Banner, his science partner, his friend, his crush.

"Tony?" Bruce was frowning at him from across the lab.

"Yeah?" Tony blinked in surprise.

This is where Bruce made a speech about their love.

"Pass me the hydrochloric acid, would you?"

"Um. Yeah. Sure." Tony flushed and fetched the test tube.

It was pathetic how excited he got over the brief touching of their hands.

...

**Three weeks later...**

"Hi, happy Valentine's Day!" Bruce said to Tony through the intercom. "You going to let me up?"

Tony loved the way he talked, it was so unlike Stan.

Stan?

Blearily, Tony opened his eyes and saw a hunk with pale blonde hair next to him in bed.

Shit.

"Mornin', I didn't know whether to wake ya." Stan (presumably) said.

"Oh. My friend's here." Tony gestured to the intercom beside his bed.

"Lemme guess, he don't know you're gay?" Stan sighed. "You hiding your true self?"

"My true self, that's a laugh. I'm a superhero genius millionaire. I'm always hiding my true self." Tony said bitterly. "Except from Bruce."

"That Bruce? You betta let him in here. Betta for him to know about your being gay." Stan said wisely.

"Why?" Tony hated pillow talk but this didn't really count.

"If you can be true with him, then tell him about yourself. Your true self." Stan's Southern accent got stronger. "Y'all might date."

"Trust me, he's not gay. And he wouldn't date me. Or think of me that way." Tony said then stood up to press a button on the intercom. "Hey, Bruce, I have someone over at the moment but if you could come back in ten minutes?"

"Uh, okay, I'll go grab some coffee." Bruce replied and Tony heard the hurt in his voice. Oh God. He had to tell him.

"Actually, come on up." Tony changed his mind and he heard Bruce open the door.

Shit.

Shit.

Shit.

Stan gave a lazy smile then got up and moved at a snail's pace towards the en suite bathroom.

"Hurry up!" he hissed then raised his voice to greet Bruce, "Bruce, I'll be right out!" he called.

Tony threw on some pants but didn't bother with a shirt. They were all friends here - except Stan. He hid the real reason he didn't wear a shirt. That he wanted to kiss Bruce, shirtless. Hopefully both shirtless.

Then he went out of the bedroom.

...

Bruce held his breath as Tony came out, _shirtless_. He looked hot. Really hot. And serious.

"Bruce, we need to talk."

"If we were dating, I'd think this is a break-up." Bruce smiled weakly. What was that deodorant? It smelled gorgeous.

"No, not a break-up." Tony smiled back nervously. "Bruce, I'm..."

"Ill? Pregnant? Gay?" Bruce guessed.

"You got one of them right." Tony said. This was easier than he thought.

"You're ill? Oh my God, is it cancer?" Bruce felt his heart explode. Tony was going to die. He was going to die! And then on his deathbed, Bruce could kiss him. And...

"I'm not ill." Tony interrupted his thoughts.

"Then what...oh. OH."

"I'm gay."

"You're gay?" Bruce grinned. "Gay! Oh my God! You have no idea how relieved this makes me!"

"You thought I was going to die, didn't you?" Tony smirked.

"Yes, you asshole." Bruce said. Should he admit he was gay now? It seemed right. "Actually I'm gay too." he said casually.

Tony's eyes visibly widened. "You're gay?"

"Yep. For about two years now."

"We met two years ago." Tony smiled.

"What a coincidence." Bruce gave a little laugh. Tony leant forward and put his hand on Bruce's cheek, his lips ready to kiss and...

"Tony, I'll be going home naw." Stan left the apartment and Bruce froze.

"Who's that?" he asked.

"I told you I had company." Tony tried to say but Bruce glared at him.

"I thought you meant Pepper or a female friend."

"I would have been sleeping with them anyway so because it's a male, what difference does it make?"

"So you're not gay."

"Bisexual."

"So you don't love me." Bruce said before he could stop himself. Crap.

"You love me?" Tony asked.

"Well, yeah, I suppose."

"You suppose?" Tony's cheeky smile was slowly coming back. "I suppose I love you too then."

Tony kissed Bruce with the year of pent-up passion and he supposed it was two years of pent-up frustration for Bruce.

...

Thor smirked as he watched the couple come into the meeting room. Today was the day that they announced their gaydom to the other Avengers. Thor already knew, of course, because he was a God (literally) and he was all-knowing. Banner and Stark were already friends and scientist pals, now they just had added kissing and snuggling. It wouldn't really change much. Bruce walked ahead of Tony to reach the computer and Tony admired his ass.

Maybe it would change a bit.

Thor sat down next to Steve, across from Natasha (he wanted to play footsie under the table with her).

"Where's Clint?" Bruce asked.

"He's on a mission, he'll be back onboard tomorrow at 8pm, latest." Natasha said.

Thor didn't like how much she knew about that.

"Oh, never mind." Tony dismissed the archer. "God, Spy, Frozen." he nodded at each avenger but reserved a special sickly sweet smile for Bruce. "Bruce."

"Tony."

Oh God. Thor groaned. There was sweet smiles everywhere. It made him sick. _Humans. _He tutted.

"Anyway, me and Bruce have an announcement." Tony began with a grin. "We're gay!"

"Congratulations." Steve said dryly.

Natasha rolled her eyes. She looked hot when she did that.

Thor smiled. "Well done, humans, now can Natasha and I have the remaining 24 hours without Barton in a bed?"

"What?"

"Nothing, sweetie."

**This just had to end with Thor hitting on Natasha. He has sort of turned into a sex fiend right now.**


	3. Chapter 3

**It's half 10 right now and I'm trying to get to sleep so 99% of this will be shit and make no sense, at all. Tony and Bruce aren't gay in this chapter.**

"Hi I'm Anthony Starkus, FBI. Have you seen a colleague of ours? He's around my height, dark hair, glasses." Tony grinned at the Mexican woman.

"No. I no see anyone." She said. "We all legal here. No illegal."

"Um, that's nice. You sure you haven't seen him? He's a scientist." Tony tried.

"No. We legal. Me no see anyone."

"You sure? He's average looking American with a kind of rough-look." Tony said.

"That describes 22% of Americans." Steve rolled his eyes.

"How else can I describe him? He's pretty average."

"This guy we're looking for, Bruce Bannerman, when he's angry, he turns into a giant green naked rage monster."

"Oh yeah. There's that." Tony said and Steve shook his head in exasperation.

"Green man. Big! Big green man!" the woman screeched. "He destroy our market! He get mad! He go rawr!"

"Aha! Which way did he go?" Tony asked.

"South!"

"Which way is that?"

"This way, dumbass." Steve led them through the street.

"Bruce Bannerman?"

"Anthony Starkus, FBI?"

"Truce." Tony grinned. "Secret identities and all. We're concerned FBI agents looking for our friend who was involved in a complex drug ring and love triangle with the drug master's daughter, Daisy."

"We're looking for our friend." Steve said.

"Spoilsport."

...

"Hey! Cap'n, I've found Brucie baby!" Tony called from a cave. "Captain? Captain!" he yelled. Bruce glared at him, glasses askew.

"Shhhhh. My head hurts."

**Found the big green thing. He's now a naked hungover human. Tony!**

Steve stumbled over to the cave, groaning.

"How are you so energetic? After last night's drinking contest, I'll never drink again."

"I may be still drunk!" Tony sang. Bruce shushed them again.

"I went drunk then came hulk and then I hide in here." Bruce said. "head hurt too much to form sentences proper."

"I'm just in a depressed, never-again hungover state." Steve slumped on a rock.

"I'm still drunk and dead." Tony sighed. "Dead druuuuuuunk." he sang.

...

Two hours and three vomits later, the trio were on a plane to New York. Steve was asleep while Tony and Bruce played Snap. Silent Snap.

"Schnap." Bruce whispered.

"Aww." Tony whispered loudly. "I want snap!"

"you can have it if you shut up or sober up."

"I'm a great drinker. I can hold my liquor."

"Shhhhush, Tony. I'm gonna go schleep. And then we'll get an ice cream and discush your shex life."

"Um. Okay." Tony grinned. "Night."

" 's night?" Bruce looked out the window. "Arghhhh. Bright. Shunny. Ish day."

"Sleep well then, Rage Monster." Tony saluted him and Bruce fell asleep.

After a bottle of coke and three games of one-person snap, Tony finally sobered up.

And threw up all over the luxurious plane seats and Bruce.

**Shit. I'm tired. Bleh. Rawr. **


	4. Chapter 4

**OC I just completely made up. All characters are Marvel. **

Georgia snapped her fingers and the flame appeared. "Element Girl, feel the elements." she tried out for a catchphrase. "Element Girl, feel the fire. And wind, water and earth."

"I don't have a catchphrase." Bruce Banner said miserably.

"You do." Captain America ( a total hottie) said. "Smash."

"That's your catchphrase that you say to me." Bruce said.

"Still." Steve said. He turned to Georgia with a smile. "You don't need one. Anyway Tony's here so you won't need a catchphrase when he sees how hot, I mean attractive, you are."

A man with dark hair and a sparkling smile came in. "Hi I'm Tony Stark and-" Tony stopped, eyes wide. "You're hot."

"Thanks." Georgia grinned.

Steve sighed. By the look on Georgia's face, she was smitten. He'd never get a look in now. Thanks a lot Tony.

**Two months later **

"Georgia, catch!" Steve threw Georgia his shield and she caught it perfectly. He punched a robot monster thing and stole its gun.

"Swap?" Georgia suggested and Steve got the shield while Georgia wielded the gun. Tony was zooming round in his suit, shooting lasers and not really being helpful. Natasha and Clint were off on a skyscraper somewhere shooting down hovercrafts. Bruce was in the lab, making this nuclear liquid and solving equations to defeat the enemy. Thor was out making storms.

The big cliché was that just as the robot turned on Georgia with a sword, someone would step in and then the nuclear stuff would work and all the robots would all explode.

That didn't happen.

The sword penetrated her chest and she screamed. Within a second, the robot was dead and Steve was standing there with a gun.

"We can get you help. We can heal you." Steve crouched down beside her.

"Steve."

"Where's the nearest hospital? Tony, Georgia got stabbed." Steve said to the approaching Tony. Bruce, Clint, Natasha and Thor watched, eyes wide.

"Steve."

"We can save her, can't we?"

"Steve!" Georgia said loudly. "I'm dying and no-one can do a damn thing about it."

"We can try."

"No, we can't." Georgia moaned and looked up at Tony's concerned face. "Can we?"

"I have an idea but it would take colossal energy." Tony frowned.

"Let's do it." Steve perked up.

"This is very dangerous. It's almost suicidal." Tony drew Steve back so Georgia couldn't hear him. "I would use my Ironman suit, Thor's hammer maybe, Bruce could use his sciencey stuff and then we could power her up to heal her."

"Would that work?"

"What other choice do we have, Captain? You love, um, like Georgia as much as I do. We've been friends with her for over two months now. And we've got to know her. Don't tell me you wouldn't die for her." Tony said.

"I would die for her, gladly." Steve said softly.

"That's because you fall in love easy."

"But she's not in love with me, she's in love with-" Steve stopped.

"She's in love with _who_?" Tony raised an eyebrow.

"You really don't know?"

"I'm not sure."

"Not sure of what?"

"If I know who she's in love with."

"You do, Tony, you just can't admit it."

"I can't deal with this."

"She's dying."

"I know."

"You know what?"

"I know she's dying, Steve! I know that she's going to die and that we have to heal her! Even if I die." Tony said then he glared at Steve. "Damn you, Captain, I've gone perfectly fine these last couple of years without feeling anything and now I get all these goddamn emotions all at once. I'd die for her, Captain, and I don't like that. I don't like that at all."

"We need to save her, Tony."

"I know." Tony closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Let's go."

...

"Tony, you sure this is going to work?" Thor asked and poured the last of his energy into the Ironman suit. Thor sat down with a thump on the abandoned rust of a car. "Where is Georgia?"

"She's there." Tony pointed to where Bruce was distracting the weak and almost dead Avenger. Only sheer willpower and the fact that she was a superhero had let her live this long.

"We need to act quickly, Stark, or this won't work." Steve snapped. "Fury won't approve. He's going to send people down as soon as he realises what we're doing. Why save the newest Avenger by killing the best one?"

"You are implying that she is a rubbish Avenger?" Thor said.

"No. But that's what they think." Steve said. "To be honest, I think she's more powerful than all of us but she hasn't realised how to use all her powers properly yet."

Tony looked up at him. "For someone who looks like a Ken doll in a skin-tight suit, you're smart, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I am. But with Georgia, I make bad descisions, don't I?"

"Yes you do." Thor smiled sadly. "This is a good decision, Captain America. I promise."

Tony coughed. "Um, my idea? Most of my energy. My life."

"I'll go in the suit." Steve volunteered. "She cares about you more."

"No. I'll die for her. Look after her if, when, I die." Tony said.

"Tony. Please. She loves you more. She would do anything for you. Can you honestly say the same?"

"I'm doing this for her, aren't I?"

"And if this doesn't work? If she dies?"

"Don't say that."

Steve caught the look of hurt on his face, the pain and agony in his eyes and the tortured expression.

That was enough for him. That Tony would never be the same if Georgia died. Steve sighed and nodded at Tony. "Go ahead. Suit up."

...

"Tony, what...you...planning..." Georgia said between gasps of breath. Her face was pale, her whole body was trembling and the blood was staining her outfit.

"I promise I will protect you." Tony leant forward and raised the mask of his Ironman suit.

"Tony."

Tony's lips briefly brushed hers then he sighed. "I'm sorry. it's the only way I can save you."

"Tony, please don't do this." Georgia said in a rush of energy. Then she went limp and Tony was scared that she was dead. He only started breathing properly when he saw the faint rising of her chest. She wouldn't be alive for much longer.

Tony closed the mask so that she wouldn't see him burn alive. Then he held his hand out and touched her heart.

A burning energy went through his hand and he felt his suit start to heat up. Georgia's body jerked under his hand and she whimpered.

"Georgia, you'll be fine. You'll survive. You'll be fine." Steve whispered, stroking her hair.

Tony felt the energy shoot through his suit and for a second he was glowing then he collapsed. Georgia opened her eyes and slid towards him, dragging her legs across the ground.

"Tony, what did you do?" she said and touched his mask. It slid up, to everyone's surprise, but Tony was more concerned about her wound and his death.

"I'm dying."

"No!"

"I'm sorry. It was the only way. A massive energy transfusion through my suit with me directing it."

"Why?"

"I love you."

"I love you too." Georgia said and kissed him. It was a real kiss and there was passion behind it. A burning spark of something. "And I'd do anything to save you. I'm going to be weak for a while so why not be a little bit weaker?"

"Georgia." Tony touched her arm. A bright light enveloped them and Tony instantly felt better. He wasn't dying. He was hovering in-between. Georgia kissed him again.

"See? I'm magic." she smirked.

"You are." he smiled back and then they both were carted off to hospital.

...

**One year later **

"Ow, my body is killing me." Georgia called from the shower. Tony was shaving his stubble off at the mirror.

"We had a good workout last night." Tony said.

"Yep."

"Oh gross, you guys, I'm still here!" Bruce yelled from outside the bathroom. Steve laughed as he walked by.

"Just 'cause you're not getting any!" Georgia yelled back.

"I am getting some."

"From who?" Tony opened the door to look sceptically at Bruce. "Captain?"

"Ha bloody ha. From many a hot women. Now you're off the market, I get my pick as the hottest eligible scientist around."

"Tony's still the hottest scientist around." Georgia stepped out of the shower then screamed. "Tony! Shut the bloody door! You absolute asshole!"

"Sorry! Sorry!" Tony laughed and slammed the door on Bruce's face.

"I just saw Georgia naked." Bruce said from the other side of the door. Steve laughed again.

"You are all assholes."

"Thanks." Steve called.

"Bloody assholes." Georgia muttered and glared at her fiancee. Tony made a face.

"I love you though."

"You're still an asshole. But I love you too."

**That was long. And I kinda named the OC after me. I'm Georgia. Hi. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Life of a Billionaire playboy genius Part 1**

Oh the fun Tony Stark had, partying to 3am with his numerous girlfriends and a certain scientist. But what people didn't see was the work. The long and tiring science, accounting, business and PR that went into running the all new Stark Tower and Stark Enterprises.

He was doing the accounting now with Bruce Banner, scientist, doctor and Hulk, sitting across from him.

"When did I spend $20,000 on a champagne bottle?" Tony asked Bruce.

"Uh last week. On Monday."

"Monday?"

"Yeah. It was to impress these girls, Tara and Lori, who you still haven't called back. You won it in an auction because you bid 20,000 dollars on a 500 dollar champagne."

"I asked for when, not the whole event."

Tony still had a headache from Monday. and not even this Monday (two models and a jacuzzi).

"Maybe you should call Lori up. She was...nice."

"Nice?"

"Pretty, funny, smart, kind."

"Ah. You've got your eye on her."

"No. She's just nice and doesn't deserve to get hurt by your one night-stand rule."

"Then you go up to her and ask her out and say my friend Tony is an asshole."

"I'm not asking her out, Tony."

"Fine."

There was silence for a bit before Tony spoke up again, "when did I spend 500 dollars at Toys R Us? When did I go to Toys R Us?"

"Two days ago. You have the memory span of a very dim goldfish. On Sunday, you went to Toys R Us to buy an early baby present for Clint and Natasha."

"Huh? What costs 500 dollars in there?"

"The mini Ironman figure...and a robot spider...and a Toy Story lamp...and a huge pink teddy bear, then the blue teddy bear, then a gender-neutral green one, then a gender-neutral white one."

"Oh yeah. Those teddies are taking up my bed."

"You sleep with them?"

"When I tried to get Pepper to put them anywhere else she laughed at me. Then some Stark Enterprises workers laughed at me. Now they call me Teddy Boy."

"You're the boss. Tell them not to."

"Meh. It's all fun and games. Gentle ribbing."

"Okay. Well how much does this month's accounts add up to?"

"Um. It's fine. I've handled it all. Although why does Pepper need a Ralph Lauren skirt?"

"It's that tight one you said she looked hot in." Bruce frowned. "Show me the accounts."

"No. It's fine."

"Tony!"

"Fine!"

Bruce grabbed the accounts papers from him and yelped.

"22 million? This month?"

"Well, I value my employees."

"Shit. You can't afford this."

"With a little help from my friends?"

"No."

"Please."

"I can't afford it."

"And why is that?"

"I spent all my money on my new Bentley." Bruce said guiltily.

"See? We all spend irresponsibly and we should learn from those lessons."

"22 million, Tony."

"Some spend with very strong irresponsibility."

"Tell your employees to tone it down."

"Most of its me."

"How is that better?"

"At least my employees aren't taking advantage of my vast millions, I'm just spending too much."

"Not marginally better."

"You have to help me spend less. You're responsible."

"I spent all my money on a car."

"You're my best friend so you're always around."

"I don't stalk you."

"We can be seen in public together now because we are officially science pals."

"When could you not be seen in public with me?"

"Trivial details. Anyway, would you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Become my accountant?"

"Will I get paid?"

"Are you kidding me? My best friend who just warned me about my financial state is asking to be paid to look after my money?"

"I didn't say what I wanted to be paid in."

"Oh." A moment's silence. "What do you want to be paid in?"

"Favours."

"Favours?"

"And women."

"Women?"

"Well, not prostitutes or strippers. But if you meet a nice girl in a bar and you think she'd suit me, give her my number."

"What if I like her?"

"Then sleep with her and I'll deal with her ruined remains."

"Seriously?"

"No. If you like her, don't give her my number."

"What do you mean favours then?"

"No questions asked favours."

"Hmm. Are you planning on murdering anyone?"

"Not that I know of."

"Well then, it's a deal."

"I didn't say I would be your accountant. I said would I be paid? And oh look, that led to a delightful conversation which led to time passing which led to...my exit."

Bruce stood up.

"Huh?"

"Exactly, Tony. This is a lesson learnt. Go hire an accountant. Pay him. Make sure it's a man. You'll listen to him. And sort out your money."

"You make no sense."

"Exactly." Bruce winked then left the room, and presumably the building.

...

**Two days later **

Bruce walked into the interview room. "Why was I summoned?"

"Accountant interviews!"

"Oh great. Why do you need me for this?"

"To calm me down if a hot woman walks in. I want to take this seriously, Bruce, be responsible."

"Really?"

"Course not. I need you to find out the boring stuff."

"What do you do?"

"Exactly ask that. But they'll probably say accounting."

"No. I mean what are you going to be doing while I ask questions?"

"Oh, I'll be asking the good questions. Do you have any kids? Any other responsibilities? Are you single? Would you be able to keep me in check?"

"You can't ask them if they're single."

"Why not?"

"It's intrusive and the start of a long sexual harassment lawsuit."

"See! This is why you're here. To keep me in check."

"Ugh, fine. Send the first one in."

"Come on in, Account Number Uno!" Tony called and a tall blonde woman walked in.

"Morning."

"It is a good morning isn't it?"

"No. I acknowledged that it is morning, not a good one."

"Okay..." Bruce said.

"What's your name?" Tony asked.

"Sandra Lilly."

"And how are you today, Sandra?" Tony.

"Fine."

"Do you have a job at the moment?" Bruce.

"Yes." Sandra.

"Where?" Bruce.

"Sulphur." Sandra.

"Huh?" Bruce.

"Sulphur is a science company. I thought being esteemed scientists, you would of heard of it?"

"No. Tell me more." Tony.

"It supplies scientists with equipment, chemicals and helps support young aspiring scientists to grow their skills for a better and brighter scientific future."

"Wow. That's very practised." Tony.

"It's great. It's so practical."

"Wow again. Tell me, Sandy-"

"Sandra."

"Sandra, I apologise profusely, I have the memory span of a very dim goldfish."

Bruce smirked.

"Well, Sandra, do you work in PR?"

"What? No."

"Really? What's 1900 minus 2016?"

"Tony, shut up." Bruce.

"It's um..."

"I assumed accountants did math?"

"Uh."

"PR Sandra Lilly from Sulphur. I researched you. Sent here to impress science supplies on us."

"Damn." Sandra scowled and left.

Bruce stared at Tony. "How?"

"I'm smart."

"You researched her."

"No. I'm just smart."

Bruce shook his head as Tony shuffled his papers.

"Next!"

...

**Three hours and 22 candidates later...**

"Hi, I'm Richard." An English man wearing a suit said.

"Ugh. Hi, Dick."

"I prefer Richard."

Tony shrugged. "I said Richard didn't I? It's like when people call me Tony. I know they mean me. I accept that people call me Tony. Because Tony is basically the same as Anthony."

"Oh."

"Oh indeed. Now you are my 23rd candidate. You seem acceptable. You're not a woman, but then again, this may be better, according to my friend here. I get distracted by women." Tony said quickly. "You're hired."

"What?" Richard frowned.

"Tony." Bruce said, disapproving.

"Say thank you." Tony said.

"Well, thank you, Mr Stark, sir. This is a great opportunity. Have you looked at my CV?"

"CV. Ha."

"Okay, um, I'll come into work at 8am tomorrow?"

"9am. Give yourself a lie-in."

"Wow. Thanks."

"And I'll send a car."

"Thanks."

"See you tomorrow, Dick."

Richard winced then smiled and left.

"Tony, that was stupid."

"I'm going to bed now."

"It's 3pm."

"I'm going for a massage then."

"Tony!"

"Yes?" Tony had reached the door but turned round to look at an annoyed Bruce.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Why should anything be wrong?"

Then he left.

**Part two will involve Richard/Dick since he's awesome. If you've ever seen Rules of Engagement, they're gonna have the Russell/Timmy relationship. If you haven't, you should!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Life of a Billionaire playboy genius part 2**

"How's the new accountant?" Thor dropped into the Stark building with a sly smile and winked at Tony.

Literally dropped, he parachuted from the SHIELD hovercraft thing.

"Good. Good." Tony said, distracted by the modifications he was making to his Ironman suit.

"You two getting along?" Thor asked.

"Yeah, sure, why are you so concerned?"

"Oh. Just wondering if I could borrow your accountantt tonight. For a small talk over a meal, maybe. Could you ask?"

"Uh. Sure." Tony said and grabbed his phone.

**Friend wants to hv a meal with u at- **

"What time?" he asked.

Thor bit his lip then said, "8pm."

**8pm. Meet him in the reception.**

"I've sent a text." Tony said.

"Cool."

"Can you go? I'm kind of busy."

"Oh. Okay. What you doing?"

"Upgrading the suit."

"Awesome." Thor said. Then blinked. "Do I still have to go?"

"You're bored, aren't you?"

"The world doesn't need saving. I need a distraction."

"Well go annoy someone else."

"Everyone else is boring."

"I'm flattered but I'm straight."

"Me too."

"You sure?"

"Yes, why?"

"No reason." Tony's phone beeped.

_**Sure. Wow.**_

"You have a date."

"Awesome!"

"You can go now."

"Thanks. Well. Where am I meeting her?"

"Her?" Tony asked then got distracted by a spark flying out of his helmet. "Um, in the reception. Uh, damn electronics." Tony hit his helmet and it stopped sparking. "You're upsetting the suit, alien, go."

"Fine! See you tonight! Be there for the meeting of my new love!"

"You 'fall in love' everyday."

Thor winked, smirked and left.

...

"Hey, it's me, Thor. I'm a God. So yeah." Thor practiced in front of the mirror. He heard a stifled laugh and spun round. "Curse you, human."

Bruce and Captain were laughing in the doorway.

"Sorry, Thor, it was too funny. You are too funny." Captain grinned.

"Kiss-ass." Bruce muttered. "So whose the lucky lady who gets your smooth moves?"

"Kiss-ass." Captain said. Bruce ignored him.

"Oh, just Tony's new accountant"

Bruce and Captain (who Bruce had told about the interviews) started laughing. "Really? Have you seen that person before? Or heard their name?" Bruce asked.

"No. But I bet she's hot since Tony hired her."

"Oh. Well Tony hired **her**." Captain laughed.

Bruce shook his head and laughed then they left. Thor sighed. They didn't understand the wonder of anonymous love.

...

**8pm Stark Reception **

Thor was stood by the fish tank while, out of sight, Bruce, Captain and Tony watched him.

Bruce: I feel mean

Captain: don't, remember what he said about you and Natasha?

Tony: what did he say?

Captain: how do you not remember this? You were there.

Tony: attention span of a very dim goldfish

Captain: he told Banner that he didn't have a hope in Hell with Nat because Banner was ugly and odd and Nat was a hot fiery goddess.

Tony: aw, Brucie

Bruce: okay, one, never call me Brucie again, two, how come, Captain, you call her Nat, and three, I'm not bothered about this. I'm used to being called ugly and odd.

Tony: by who? I'll beat them up.

Bruce: uh, by you.

Tony: oh. Well I was probably drunk.

Bruce: at 9 in the morning?

Tony: possibly. What day was it?

Bruce: Saturday.

Tony: I was drunk.

Captain: Dick's here

Tony: Captain...we don't need to know about that.

Captain: Richard

Tony: I'm Tony

Bruce: you utter imbecile, Richard's here. He is waiting by the fish tank. Oh my God, first sighting.

Captain: what happened to 'I feel mean'?

Bruce: I grew up.

Captain: it was literally two minutes ago

Bruce: I'm two minutes older and wiser

Captain: cut the wiser

Tony: shush, Richard looked at Thor.

Captain: ooh! This is getting hawt

Bruce: this is getting weird

Thor grinned at Richard. "Hi, I'm Thor, how are you?"

"Uh, I'm good, I guess."

"I'm great. I'm going on a date and I'm sure she's hot."

"Oh, um, me too." Richard smiled nervously.

"It's a blind date you see. I set it up myself."

"My boss sent mine up."

"Oh. Who's your boss? Tony Stark?"

"Yeah. He's a good boss. You know him?"

"He's my best friend."

"Really?"

"Well, he's my friend. I'm an Avenger with him." Thor nodded.

"Uh, wow, that's cool. I, I guess you two are pretty tight then?"

"When we met, we tried to kill each other. He was mean. I beat him up. The usual."

"Ah, the usual. That's how I meet all my friends."

Thor laughed then checked the clock on the wall. "She's late."

"My date's late too."

"Ten minutes and she works here. Should I call Tony to see if it's an emergency?"

"Sure."

Tony's phone rang with the ringtone of **Holding out for a hero **and Tony quickly answered it, lest Thor and Richard heard it.

Tony (whispering): hi Thor

Thor: hey, Tony, um she's not here yet. What's her name?

(Bruce laughed quietly).

Tony: uh, her name is, umm, ah, her name is, a sacred and hollowed name.

Thor: so what is it?

Tony: Jane.

Thor: Jane what?

Tony: Jane Banner. Ouch, don't hit me. Did I say Banner? I meant Barner. Jane Barner.

Thor: so she's late

Tony: oh dear. You sure she's late? Maybe you can see her?

Thor: uh, no, I'm just talking to an employee of yours.

Tony: Dick

Thor: ah, I'm not sure I'm following.

Tony: you're talking to Dick.

Thor: um, Tony, are you alright?

Tony: yeah. You're talking to Dick, my employee.

Thor: I'm not sure what's happening anymore.

Tony: neither am I.

Thor: uh, is Jane coming any time soon?

Tony: sure. She's probably running late. Or I don't know, nervous. Or something. Bye!

Thor hung up and looked at Richard.

"What's your name?"

"Richard."

"Oh that explains this strange phone call from Tony. He said I'm talking to Dick."

"Oh. Yeah. I don't like being called Dick."

"I apologise."

"It's fine. It's just Richard though."

"I'm Thor."

"I know."

Richard's phone rang and he glanced at it. "It's Tony, I'd better answer it."

Tony: hey, Dick.

Richard: it's Richard, Mr Stark.

Tony: Meh. Dick, Richard, same thing. It all results in your name and your doing my bidding.

Richard: uhm, okay, I'm just with a friend.

Thor: I'm flattered.

Tony: you're with Thor, right?

Richard: right...

Tony: he's who your date is.

Richard: excuse me?

Tony: don't give any of this away to him, act normal. Give normal answers. Boss-employee answers.

Richard: okay, Mr Stark, sir.

Tony: don't overdo it. Don't call me sir. It's de-moralizing.

Richard: I apologise, it slipped my mind.

Tony: well, Thor thought you were a woman.

Richard: uhm

Tony: I know. So he thought you were a woman, without ever seeing you, and asked me to ask you on a date. So I texted you and you said yes and it wasn't until my friends notified me an hour ago, that I realised that he didn't know you were a man.

Richard: so the appointment is with him?

Tony: yeah, sorry. Can you let him down lightly?

Richard: wow, this is conveninet. I've always had a certain good vibe from him.

Tony: that's gay

Richard: that's me

Tony: you're gay?

Richard: yessir

Tony: wow. Well that's a good thing to know.

Richard: what should I do about him?

Tony: tell him that Jane let him down and she's actually got back with her boyfriend and they're emigrating to Australia and that does he want to go for a coffee instead. If you like him.

Richard: oh I bloody do.

Tony: awesome. Bye.

Richard smiled at Thor. "Um, I just got a call from Tony. Jane's got back with her boyfriend and guess what? They're going to Australia! And-" Richard then sighed. "I can't do this."

"Do what?"

"Thor?"

"Yeah?"

"I really like you and um, I'm Tony's accountant. Jane never existed. It was a whole big misunderstanding. I'm a man, not Jane the hot accountant. And you were my date and I swear I didn't know until just then."

"You really like me?"

"That's what you got from that?"

"Yeah."

"Well. Want to go for a meal?"

"Yeah. My treat."

"Mine."

"Mine."

"I suppose Tony could pay for it. If we convince him that you were really upset about it all."

"I suppose."

Thor grinned and linked arms with Richard. They walked out of the building together.

Captain: bugger me.

**Any ideas for future chapters, please review! So thanks! **


	7. Chapter 7 : let s play a game

**is is in no way connected to other chapters. Everyone is single.**

"I propose a game." Tony suggested and Natasha looked at him with bored eyes.

"Okay."

"You agree?"

"I'm bored. What are we doing again?"

"Stakeout."

"For what?"

"Um. I wasn't listening." Tony lied and turned to Captain. "Captain, why don't you tell Natasha what we're doing?"

"Sure. Okay. We are. Doing something" Captain ended, blushing. "I got distracted during the meeting."

"Why?" Natasha asked. Captain blushed more.

"I was distracted during the meeting because-" he began.

"I was distracted too because when I looked to my left I kept seeing something beautiful." Thor interrupted with a smile at Natasha.

Captain cursed him.

"Thor!" Natasha giggled.

"We are Black Thunder." Thor said flirtily and Natasha giggled again.

"Well we're Stasha." Captain muttered to himself and only Tony and Bruce heard.

"Poor baby Cap." Tony sighed.

"We need to matchmake." Bruce said.

"So the game?" Clint reminded them.

"Oh yeah. Well I vote spin the bottle?" Tony asked. Clint was surprised that he asked instead of telling them that they were playing spin the bottle.

"No." Bruce said instantly.

"Aw why?"

"Because, Stark, I remember the last spin the bottle incident with me, you and those two Russian women. You used that ring to make the bottle spin so you made out with both of them and I ended up womanless, home alone." Bruce said.

"What ring?" Captain asked out of curiousity.

"It was a ring that can control the air." Tony grinned.

"Technically it produced air, like an air conditioner ring." Bruce said. Tony glared at him.

"Truth or dare?" Tony shrugged.

"Yeah!" Clint cheered.

"Me first! To, um, Captain!" Tony yelled.

"No! I hate truth or dare." Captain said miserably.

"Snog, marry, avoid?" Tony suggested.

"Let's be more adventurous. Snog, marry, kill." Natasha said.

"You're a violent woman, Black Widow." Thor said smoothly.

"Yeah. You could kill lots of people." Captain said, in an attempt to upstage him. Bruce stared at him and shook his head.

"You're not so bad yourself, Thunder God." Natasha winked at Thor.

"I'll start. Um, group, snog, marry, kill, Captain or Coulson or me?" Tony said.

Clint went first. "Snog Captain, marry Coulson, kill you. Sorry mate."

"I agree." Bruce said.

"But we're science bros."

"So? Doesn't mean I want to marry you or snog you."

"True."

"Why, do you want to snog me?"

"No."

"Uh, I choose snog Coulson, avoid Captain and marry Tony." Natasha said.

"I choose marry me, snog Tony and avoid Coulson." Captain.

"I choose snog Tony, marry Captain and avoid Coulson." Thor said.

"Wow you're all gay for me. This is great." Tony smirked. "Gaytastic."

"Gaytastic?" Captain frowned.

"Very gay and fantastic." Natasha explained.

"Oh. Thank you."

"You're welcome." Natasha smiled at him for a moment before Thor laughed.

"My go. I think the green Hulk, Clint or Loki?" Thor said.

"Marry Loki, snog Hawkeye, avoid Hulk." Tony said. Thor sniggered.

"You fancy my brother."

"Shuttup."

"Marry Hulk, snog Clint, avoid Loki." Bruce.

"That's weird." Natasha.

"Why wouldn't I marry me? I'm a delight."

"Marry Clint, avoid Hulk and snog Loki." Captain.

"Marry Clint, snog Hulk and avoid Loki." Natasha.

"Marry me, snog Hulk and avoid Loki." Clint grinned.

"Awesome." Natasha said.

"Why is it weird for me to marry myself and not for him?" Bruce.

"Because it's like Tony marrying JARVIS. You're marrying someone else who is kind of you. And it's a great big green rage monster." Natasha.

"I'd marry JARVIS." Captain.

"What?" Tony.

"It'd be awesome."

"No sex." Clint.

"Meh." Captain.

"Captain's gay for my machine." Tony.

"Shut up. You're gay for Loki."

"That's not as bad as JARVIS. I could have sex with Loki."

"Let's get off this topic now." Bruce.

"Aw." Tony.

"Loki-gay." Captain.

"JARVIS-gay." Tony.

"Guys!" Bruce.

"Hulk-gay." Captain and Tony.

"I hate you." Bruce.

"Don't lie." Captain smirked. Tony hugged Bruce.

"You love us really."


	8. Chapter 8

**I've had a chapter about my OC Georgia before but this is completely separate and they haven't met her yet. Duh. **

"She can come into Stark Towers any day."

"I could control my Hulk for her."

"I'm so glad I was frozen now I've met her."

"You think I could be Cupid with my arrows?"

"I'd trade in my hammer for her."

The men of the Avengers stared at the latest recruit of the Avengers, Georgia frickin' Cooper. Natasha was showing her round, avoiding the lab where the men were staring at them from the glass window overlooking the main computing room thing.

"Dibs." Tony said and they all groaned and looked at him.

"You can't dibs a girl, Stark." Thor said.

"I just did."

"Well you can't." Hawkeye snapped.

"Hawk, shouldn't you be dibs-ing Natasha?" Bruce raised an eyebrow and Captain laughed.

"Clintasha." Captain said.

"I'm allowed some fun. Me and Natasha aren't dating." Hawkeye said with some regret.

"But you want to date her." Thor said.

"A bit."

"Aw." Bruce grinned then looked out the window. "Guys, where have they gone?"

Someone coughed behind them and the men spun round. Natasha was staring at Hawkeye and Georgia Cooper was grinning at them.

"Hi."

"How long have you been there?" Captain asked cautiously.

"Uh. Since you can't dibs a girl. Maybe a second before that." Georgia looked at Tony. "Hi."

"Hey."

"I don't like being called dibs on."

"Um, okay, sorry."

"No problem. I'm a tiny bit weird by the way."

"Okay."

"So I kind of like you."

"Is it weird to like me?"

"It's gutsy to call dibs. I like that."

"Really?"

"No, you're just hot. I like that."

"Oh. Well thanks. You're hot too."

Hawkeye was looking at Natasha. "Um, Nat?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you hear all of-"

"Yep."

"Oh."

"I kind of want to date you a little bit too."

"Wow. Really?"

Natasha smiled brightly, stepped forward and grabbed his shirt. "Really." she kissed him.

"So it's great that I came here then! Otherwise they wouldn't have gotten together!" Georgia said.

"Meh. It was going to happen eventually, human." Thor said.

"Did you just call me human?"

"Yes."

"Racist much. I don't call you Strange Alien do I?"

"I'm not sure."

"Me neither." Georgia turned to Bruce. "You're not very green."

"No, I turn into a green monster. Not all the time."

"Well that's marginally better than being a green rage monster all the time."

"I suppose."

"You've got a cool name."

"Thanks. Although I don't really like Bruce."

"What's wrong with it?"

"It's a bit Bruce-y."

"Bruce-y?"

"Odd."

"Like us lot then."

"So it suits me?"

"Yep."

"Thanks."

Hawkeye and Natasha were still kissing so Georgia just tapped his arm and whispered hi. then she turned to Captain.

"I'm Georgia."

"Steve Rogers, Captain America."

"How fares the war?"

"Huh?"

"I don't know. How was the Civil War?"

"Oh, it was great until I got frozen."

"You won though."

"I suppose that's a positive."

"Is any part of war a positive?" Georgia asked and Captain smiled at her. She was nice. If nice meant gorgeous, smart, funny and amazing.

"Not if people were killed."

"What's a war without killing?"

"You like killing?"

"I don't like it but sometimes it's necessary."

"I agree."

Georgia seemed done with Captain and she turned back to Tony. "Do you want to go for a coffee?"

"There isn't a coffee shop in the middle of the Atlantic."

"I have a coffee maker in my room."

"Let's go."

"That wasn't an invitation for sex."

"I know."

"We'll get a coffee then you can show me round the lab."

"You're a scientist?"

"Aspiring."

"Well, let's go, aspiring scientist."

"I prefer Georgia." she said and Tony laughed. Captain miserably watched them walk out of the lab.


	9. Chapter 9

**Set a month after the last chapter **

"Morning." Captain nodded to Georgia. She yawned in reply and fumbled with the coffee machine.

"Mor-morning." she said. She looked sick and she had serious bedhead.

"What time did you get back last night?" Bruce asked. Georgia gave him an innocent 'who-me?' look then sighed.

"What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."

"I second that." Tony wandered into the kitchen in the poxy hotel apartment they were sharing and turned the coffee machine on for Georgia. Captain rolled his eyes.

"I had that." Georgia said grumpily.

"Just 'cause I beat you in a shot battle."

"Pure vodka, Stark, and you cheated."

"Did not."

"Shitting coffee machine," Georgia said as it started beeping erratically. Tony laughed and sat down on a chair. Bruce frowned at them both.

"Shot battles? pure vodka? We're here for work."

"Well I'm a millionaire genius scientist. This isn't work. Work is science, Stark Enterprises."

"Work is my books." Georgia said. (She wrote and illustrated comic books).

"Mornin', guys!" Hawkeye yelled. Georgia and Tony groaned and slumped on the floor.

... - ... -

**Bruce POV **

She so totally fancies him. And Tony fancies her back. It's so obvious. And Captain likes her too. You can tell by the way he always sighs whenever they're together. And Tony and her go drinking together. But they haven't done the bed-work yet. That's odd for Tony.

Hmm.

Maybe he really likes her, not just lusts.

That'd be a nice change.

"Hey, Stark, pass me the hair molecule thingy." Georgia said and Tony smiled.

"Stop calling me Stark. It's creepy."

"Yes, sir!" she saluted him.

"Mm, I could just imagine you in a tight army uniform and cap."

"Not happening, Stark."

"One day, Cooper," Tony said, "you'll succumb to my charms."

I shook my head. Maybe he lusted her a bit. Who doesn't? Except Hawkeye.

...

**Tony **Georgia

**So last night...**

We were drunk

**And?**

And it didn't mean anything

Right?

**I don't get why you don't want me to flaunt my sexual preference for you **

Captain

**Right. It didn't mean a thing.**

Good

**But it did, Georgia, and we both know it. **

Don't, Tony.

**I won't then. But remember this - if you ever EVER need me, then I'll be there. And if you ever feel anything other than the normal feelings about me, then tell me. Tell me straight away. I don't care where I am.**

**Tell me.**

**Even if I'm in the middle of a date.**

**Promise?**

Promise.

**Ugh this turned sort of soppy and lovey-dovey. Never mind. **


	10. Chapter 10 : Loki comes to stay part 1

**Tony's dating my OC Georgia and that's all you really need to know so enjoy!**

**Loki Comes to Visit Part 1**

"Stark!" Thor boomed as his usual morning greeting. "Captain! Banner!"

"Wow, you're in a good mood." Tony frowned. "I don't like it. What's up?"

"Only the most wonderful news! The most splendid news!"

"Uh, okay." Tony went back to drinking his coffee and altering his Ironman helmet (it still wasn't good enough).

"Don't you want to know what this news is?" Thor asked.

"Um, okay, what's the news?"

"My brother's coming to stay!" Thor yelled.

Tony spat out his coffee on Bruce's newspaper and Bruce yelped. Captain stared at him. "Your brother? As in your brother, Loki? As in Loki, who tried to destroy Earth and nearly killed us all?" Tony exclaimed.

"Yes, Stark, that brother. Father said that he will repent his sins by staying with us. I have arranged it all."

"Why wasn't I informed? We all live in _my _tower." Tony frowned.

"Also, I kind of beat Loki up. So, he might be holding a slight grudge." Bruce said, folding up his newspaper.

"Uh, I saw a movie about this. Five men in a house and one is a murderer and then...it was quite disturbing, I must say." Captain said.

"Oh! I saw that. _Murder Man _or something." Bruce said.

"No. It was something about gay? Like happy? But it was very sexual." Captain whispered the last word.

"Oh God. Cap, don't watch stuff like that." Bruce face-palmed.

"I do admit, it was odd."

"Yes. We need to wise you up on slang."

"I can swear appropriately, you son of a slut."

"A bitch. Son of a bitch."

"Like a female dog?"

"Yes."

"Oh. What an odd insult."

"I suppose it is odd. Not very insulting either. Son of a female dog."

"A puppy." Thor commented.

"You puppy." Bruce tried out.

"Guys! Loki! Staying! Here! Murderer! Psycho! Hates! Us! Focus! Thor!" Tony yelled.

"Yes, Stark?"

"When is he coming?"

"At 1pm. I will prepare a suitable luncheon."

"I saw a great salad recipe with steak in my, uh," Bruce trailed off at Tony's glare. "Never mind."

"It's nine now! We have four hours until Loki visits!" Tony almost screamed.

"I assure you that my brother will be most polite and pleasant. Father told me that he has improved."

"Oh, improved from a mass murdering psychopath who wanted to destroy Earth and kill us? Into what? A serial killer with a tendency to kill Avengers? Only a small bit better." Tony sighed.

"Jesus, Stark, if Thor says Loki has improved, Loki has improved." Bruce snapped. Tony knew Bruce was mad; he only called Tony Stark when he was mad.

"Bruce, this is Loki we're talking about."

"So?" Captain asked. "Loki might have gotten better."

"He's not a mental patient! He's just a power-hungry maniac!" Tony walked out on his friends and went into his lab. He needed time alone.

...

"What's up with Tony?" Georgia asked with a frown. Bruce and Captain were discussing the sports news and Thor was preparing food.

"Why? What's he said?" Bruce asked.

"Nothing. He's just locked his lab and changed the password so I can't get in." Georgia said. "Which is a big deal. I'm always allowed in."

"He just got mad." Captain shrugged.

"What aren't you telling me?"

"Loki's coming for a few weeks as part of his punishment." Thor explained.

"Bloody hell, and you lot are okay with that murderous psychopath who hates you all is sleeping and living in the same building as you?"

"He's my brother still. I have to obey Father." Thor said, sulkily.

"Idiot. You moron. You imbecile. Do you not know how catastrophic this is for Tony?"

"What? It's not that bad. Tony can't hate him that much." Bruce said.

"He threw him through a window, sure." Captain said. "But he beat us all up, kinda."

"Insensitive jerks." Georgia stormed out.

...

"Tony. Please. I know you're in there." Georgia hammered on the lab door.

"Don't you quote Frozen songs at me." Tony said through the door.

"Oh, that was just a happy coincidence!" Georgia grinned. "But they told me what's wrong and I agree with you."

Silence.

"They don't know the full story, do they?"

More silence.

"You need to tell them."

"No." Tony said.

"Anthony Stark," Georgia knocked on the door. "You are amazing and smart and funny and I've got to admit it, hot. Don't let some poxy guy get you like this."

"He's not getting me in any way."

"So let me in."

The door clicked open and she barged in then slammed it behind her. Tony entered the password on the keypad and Georgia followed his fingers quickly. Good, she knew the password now.

"Hi." Tony said, blushing.

"Fuckin' drama queen." Georgia sighed then kissed him briefly.

"Yes, you do fuck me." Tony replied with a wink and she giggled. "So...I'm not telling them."

"You haven't told me the full story yet."

"He said...something. And it, it kind of hurt me. And my tower. It got destroyed. I, I, had to build it up again and-" Tony stopped.

"What did he say, Tony?"

"I can't. Sorry, Georgia, but I can't do this."

"Can't do what?" Georgia's eyes narrowed and she scowled.

"This. Us."

"Us?"

"I didn't mean to say that."

"what did you mean to say?"

Tony shrugged. "I'm not sure. It's just. Loki."

"I don't give a flying Hulk about Loki, you utter shithead. Why did you say us?"

"I'm not thinking right. I need time. Its not you, I swear."

"It's not me, it's you? You. You. You asshole! You're breaking up with me? Today! When I'm trying to comfort you about whatever crap Loki said to you months ago! Which you won't tell me."

"I can't tell you."

"Yeah. Whatever." Georgia shook her head and walked out of the lab.

Today was a day for storming out of rooms.

_Okay, soon, there will be a big dramatic scene with Loki and Tony and lots of Georgia/Tony Snogging (I do need to come up with a shipping name for them). But meanwhile, someone help me with what Loki could have said to Tony that hurt him so much?_

_Read and review! Thanks!_


	11. Chapter 11 : Loki comes to stay part 2

**Loki Comes to Stay part 2**

At 1pm, the Avengers, minus Natasha and Clint who were on a mission, were waiting anxiously in the kitchen. Food filled up all the counters and Thor was comfort-eating some of it. "Is he going to call when he arrives or..." Bruce didn't know how Loki would contact them.

"I suppose he shall just appear in the tower." Thor said and Tony sighed loudly. Georgia shot him an irritated look and Tony looked at her, hurt.

Then there was a loud crack and Loki appeared in the kitchen, a proud big smile on his face. "Good afternoon, brother." Loki reluctantly accepted Thor's hug. Bruce and Steve smiled at him cautiously. Loki looked at Georgia. "Who is this beauty?"

"Ah, I'm Georgia." Georgia shook Loki's hand.

"What a beautiful name."

"It means farmer's wife."

"I am a farmer of mischief." Loki said with a flirtatious grin.

"Sorry. Just gone through a bad break-up." Georgia looked at Tony. Then came the moment when Loki turned to Tony.

"With him? He does not deserve you."

"I know." Georgia looked like she was going to cry then walked out of the kitchen.

"Hello again, Stark, it is a pleasure to see you now I've reformed." Loki laughed slightly. "How are you?"

"Shut up."

"Oh how rude. Thor, isn't he the rudest!"

"Loki if you touch me or Georgia for however long you're here I will kill you." Tony said and walked out after Georgia.

"Well..." Loki clapped his hands. "That was odd."

...

Tony went into Georgia's room and locked the door behind him. Georgia was sat on the bed, reading a book. He sat next to her and saw the title. Skulduggery Pleasant - her comfort book.

"Hey."

"Hi."

"I don't suppose you have another comfort book for me to read?"

"Take your pick. There's eleven Skulduggery Pleasant's and one The Fault In Our Stars."

"I'll pass." Tony looked at her sadly. "Did you mean it about breaking up?"

"I don't know."

"You'll break my heart."

"You already did that to mine."

"Right. Sorry."

"What did he say to you Tony?"

Tony paused then whispered it into her ear. She looked at him and hugged him, head buried in his chest. "I am so sorry."

"Yeah but what can you do?"

"Go kick some Loki butt." she said.

...

Two hours later, Georgia strode into the kitchen where Loki was playing on an iPad. "Oh good evening, Georgia."

"I know what you said to Tony about his parents."

Loki looked up with a frown. "Oh what did I say to Stark about his parents?"

"You know what you said." she replied. He stood up with a smirk.

"And what will you do about it?"

Georgia slapped him hard and Loki fell into the fridge, eyes flashing with anger.

"So it's like that is it?" Loki said with fake hurt. "Well then I guess since you hit me first." He reached out, grabbed her wrist and yanked her forward. With a howl, she cradled her broken wrist to her chest as he slammed her against the fridge. Her back was against the fridge and he was pushing it into the handle when she snapped.

Her unbroken hand hit him and air made him shoot back. With her panic, she could only use her air powers, the one she had fully mastered. Earth and fire were still too dangerous and water didn't do much.

Loki threw a chair at her and halfway towards her, the chair turned into metal. It hit her stomach and she doubled over, breathing heavily. _Help. Help. _Georgia stood up straight and sent another gust of wind to throw him into the wall. Loki landed with a bang and slumped on the floor but not before he grabbed a salad knife and threw it at her. It plunged into Georgia's leg and she moaned and sat down heavily.

Tony came running in, yelling for the others. "Georgia, are you okay?" he went to his girlfriend and she shook her head.

"No."

"Bruce!" Tony screamed and the other Avengers came running in. "We were in the lab. it's soundproof but Steve heard a bang and a yell so I came to see what you'd done. We thought you'd just banged your leg or something..."

Bruce sat down beside Georgia. "What happened?" he asked in his doctor voice.

"Fight."

"I can see that. What injuries do you have?"

"Besides the knife sticking out of my leg?"

"Yes."

Georgia glared at him. "Broken wrist, bruised ribs maybe or just bruised stomach, dent in my back from a handle being pressed into it."

Tony felt like he was going to cry. The girl he loved was in immense pain. "Loki?" he asked her.

"Who else?" she made a little noise of pain as Bruce pulled the knife out. "Ow!"

"Sorry, sorry, we'd better get you to the hospital."

"Ok." Georgia said. "Help."

Tony held her hand the whole way there.

...

Loki had been sent back to Asgard in shame, Tony was looking after Georgia, Georgia had several bruised ribs and her leg hurt like hell, the others didn't like seeing her in pain. One night, the Avengers sneaked into her room as she and Tony were cuddled up, watching TV.

"We're going to watch all your favorite films." Steve declared.

"Seriously?" Georgia cheered up. "Let's start with Titanic then Forest Gump then Dirty Dancing then-"

Clint face-palmed. This was going to be a long long night.


	12. Chapter 12: Late one night

Bruce Banner hated crowds. And the dark. So Tony's Late Night Halloween Bash didn't really appeal to him. Bruce stayed in the kitchen, acting as occasional drink maker and reading a book. It was a costume party so he had already had the pleasure of meeting several bunnies, a few maids and an array of Ironman's.

The real Ironman stumbled into the kitchen at 11pm, dressed in white robes as a Roman emperor. "Brucie? What you still doing up?" Tony slurred and Bruce smiled.

"Making sure no-one smashes up Stark Towers or gets too drunk."

"There is no _too drunk_ at my parties." Tony said and gulped down a shot. "Ugh vodka." he said then left the kitchen.

Bruce shook his head. He started to read his book again when Natasha and Clint ran in. Clint was dressed as Nick Fury, Bruce assumed. He was wearing an eyepatch and dark clothes as well as holding a (hopefully fake) gun. Natasha was wearing a blue bikini top and a long skirt with a mermaid tail at the end. She could still walk, through leg-holes in the mermaid tail.

Bruce blinked at her. Never had he seen the Black Widow wearing such a 'girly' costume and looking so happy, so free...so drunk.

"Hi, Nat."

"I'm not Natasha, I am a Mermaid." Natasha declared. "And this is my best friend for ever and ever, Fury."

Clint rolled his eyes and sat her down on a stool. "Banner can you look after her and make sure she gets to bed? She never normally drinks this much."

"Course." Bruce said and Clint walked out, singing lyrics to a song Bruce didn't know. "So, Nat, how about we get you back to your Mermaid lair?"

Bruce helped Natasha up and they walked to the elevator. He pressed the button for her floor but then realised that she wouldn't last that long in the swoopy glass elevator. They went to his floor, the floor above Tony's party and Bruce took her to his room.

The notorious Russian spy sat on his bed and smiled soppily at him. "Hi."

"Hi."

"Hi."

"Do you want some sleep now?" he asked and she shook her head.

"Can you lie in bed with me for a bit? I'm not sleepy, I just don't feel well." She said.

Bruce did as she said and they lay beside each other, never touching but the electricity was overwhelming. "Natasha?" He asked.

She rolled over and landed on top of him, giggling. "Oops."

"Hey, come on." Bruce grinned and tried to roll her over again. She resisted and kissed him. Her warm lips felt like fireworks on New Years Eve and Bruce sighed into the kiss. "Nat, we can't..."

"We can." Natasha slid her hands through his hair and then down his back. As they reached the bottom of his back, Bruce twitched and tore away.

"We can't. You're drunk. If you remember this tomorrow then we'll deal with all this then." Bruce stood up. Natasha pouted but fell asleep while he was standing there.

Bruce got out of his bedroom, fast, and decided to sleep in the guest room. Unfortunately he shared a floor with Steve so he got caught on the way to the room. "Bruce? What are you doing?" Steve mumbled.

"Uh. Natasha was drunk so Clint asked me to look after her." Bruce stammered. "Um, she's asleep in my bed. I was going to sleep, uh, in the guest room."

"OK." Steve said and went back to bed. When Bruce reached the guest room, he looked in the mirror and hoped the dark had been enough to conceal the lipstick marks on his face and his ruffled hair.

**The Next Morning...**

Bruce looked up from his coffee as Natasha walked in. She was wearing his favourite blue shirt. "Morning, Bruce. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed last night." She said.

"It's fine. It's okay. Coffee's already in the pot so you can just pour."

"Mm, thanks."

"Like I said it's fine." Bruce shrugged it off. Tony was sat there, frowning at him. Already Tony had guessed what had happened last night between the doctor and the spy. He forced it out of Bruce.

"About last night..." Natasha began then sighed. "I didn't mean to get so drunk." she finished quietly. Bruce got the feeling that that wasn't what she was going to say but didn't push it.

If she remembered or not, that was her business. And he could only hope that she would mention it.


	13. Chapter 13

Hey." Tony nodded at Thor, who´s face was screwed up in intense concentration.

"Curse this damned bird!" Thor yelled and threw a pillow at the wall.

"Flappy bird got you down?" Tony asked and Thor nodded, sadly.

"IT CONSUMES MY EVERY THOUGHT AND I CANNOT SLEEP OR EAT OR EVEN TAKE A SHOWER WITHOUT THIS DAMNED BIRD FLYING INTO MY BRAIN." Thor shouted.

"Woo, someone has serious Flappy Bird addiction. Maybe you´d better use a cheat or something. Or delete the app."

"I am not addicted, I´m just," Thor trailed off as his bird died again. "CURSE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF HELL!"

"Mildly obsessed?" Tony suggested and Thor scowled at the iPad screen.

"This human game is so ingenius, where is the creator? I must meet this holy man." Thor said. Then looked angry. "And crush him to bits and make him fly like his cursed bird in this Hellish Game."

"Well I´m not letting you out of the house for a while." Tony made a mental note not to let Thor research the maker.

"Let me meet this acrid God!"

"Uh, no, Thor, maybe you should give me the iPad and..."

"MY HIGHEST SCORE! I ACHIEVED IT! 100 POINTS!" Thor screeched and jumped up on the table. "Victory is mine!"

"Your highest score is 100? Mine´s 302." Tony scoffed then realised his mistake.

"The game does not end at 100 points? There is more?" Thor whispered.

"Um, yes, much more. However," he smiled, "you shouldn´t play so much Flappy Bird because it makes your eyes go square."

"VICTORY MUST BE MINE!" Thor screamed and ran into his bedroom, clutching his iPad.

* * *

"Surely this Hell must end at 1000 points." Thor muttered to himself. Tony and Bruce exchanged looks as Thor dribbled soup all over his clothes.

"Uh, Thor, eat properly. iPad away at the table."

"No! I must beat this game! I must! I. I died at 829 points." Thor frowned at his screen and a tear, an actual tear, came from his eye.

"Um, Thor, are you alright?" Bruce asked quietly.

"I think that this mortal human game is far too insuperior for my talents and skills. Take this damned app away because I have mentally beat it. I am no longer addicted to this game! I am strong! I am Thor!" Thor stood up with his battle cry.

"Okay. Let´s delete it now." Tony said.

"After I get to 1000 points, I´m really close." Thor whined and sat back down, eyes glued to his iPad.

**Anyone who has read my The Avengers Tower fanfiction will know that this is from that but I am deleting that and adding all chapters from that into here because they are basically the same idea?**


	14. Chapter 14

**A Day In The Life Of Mr Stark **

7am: wake up

7:05am: check phone messages

7:07am: try to remember who Chelsea is (employee?hook-up?friend?cleaner?)

7:09am: remember that Chelsea is a stripper

7:10am: why did he give a stripper his phone number

7:11am: remember that Hawkeye bachelor party today

7:13am: make mental note to buy vodka and cigars

7:16am: remembered that Thor is taking care of strippers and got more worried

7:17am: why the hell did he give a stripper his phone number

7:19am: remember Chelsea isn't a STRIPPER she's a WALLPAPER STRIPPER for the re-decoration of his bedroom

7:20am: wonder if Chelsea is hot or not

7:29am: can't find her online or on Facebook or on twitter or (reluctantly checked) myspace

7:30am: no clue if she's hot or not

**8:16am **

(Tony walks into kitchen)

Tony: morning guys (yawns) any coffee for me (looks round) are you ignoring me (yawns again) fine i'll make my own coffee (walks to coffee machine) anyone want some (looks round again) guys?

(Thor looks up from his iPad)

Thor: sorry, flappy bird had me entranced (looks back at his iPad) got to 894 (looks at Tony) can I have a vanilla latte with five spoons of sugar?

Tony: five spoons?

Thor: got to keep awake (sighs) flappy bird must be defeated (sighs louder) it must!

(Bruce jumps and puts his newspaper down)

Bruce: hawkeye, since when have you opposed pigeons (smirks) you wrote a letter to the New York Times

Hawkeye: since one attacked me (looks at natasha) me and nat were walking in central park innocently

Natasha: (grins) not so innocently, we had just photobomed some japanese tourist photos

Hawkeye: (glares) innocently (eats lucky charms) and then this pigeon of death swoops down, claws my eyes out

Natasha: it scratched your forehead

Hawkeye: it clawed my eyes out and then it swooped off after it knocked over my ice cream (sighs) two scoops of chocolate and toffee never to be recovered

Natasha: we got you another ice cream

Hawkeye: (loudly) never to be recovered!

(Bruce shrugs and goes back to his newspaper)

(Captain walks in, yawning)

Captain: guess who got laid last night

Captain: me

Captain: and guess who got a model's phone number in an entirely different event so I didn't hook up with a model

Captain: me

(Tony high-fives him)

Tony: you go, cowboy

Captain: can the player have a coffee

Tony: if the player makes it himself and makes one for flappy bird over there

Thor: I am not addicted, I am mildly interested in the end result of my destruction of this irritating game

Natasha: right, course you're not addicted

Thor: I am not, human, and don't you dare suggest that I am... otherwise

Natasha: otherwise what (gives him her best you-will-die look)

Thor: ah, nothing

Natasha: puny god

(Bruce high-fives Natasha)

9:02am TO DO LIST

1. Chelsea-hot or not?

2. where can find a bottle of 1960 whisky

3. ask Bruce if Chelsea hot or not

4. fix Ironman helmet

5. pretend to listen to hawkeye's vows

6. fix hawkeye's vows (probably rubbish)

7. ask Natasha about what she doesn't want for his bachelor party

8. ignore all nat's demands and book hooker (for Bruce, at least)

9. ask Bruce when he last got laid

10. ask Thor about strippers

11. tell captain not to drink whisky (he has been asking me if we can have it yet all morning)

GOOGLE SEARCH HISTORY

10:07am **Chelsea the Wallpaper Stripper **

10:09am **Chelsea the wallpaper stripping business **

10:13am **1960 whisky **

10:15am **whisky bottle from 1960**

10:16am **not empty whisky bottle from 1960**

10:20am **how to fix a helmet made of iron that's also a mask (sort of)**

10:22am **what do you mean no google results**

10:39am **how to concentrate **

10:59am **how long are vows meant to be **

11:02am **wedding vow ideas**

11:16am **where to eat in NY **

11:27am **new york, new york **

11:29am **newwwww yorrrrkkkk**

11:40am **how often should a 30 something year old scientist with anger issues get laid?**

11:49am **google images **

11:57am **google images TONY STARK **

11:58am **google images STARK TOWER **

**12:07pm minecraft download **

**12:37pm minecraft cheats**

_**I, Tony Stark **_

**Wedding Vow Ideas: steal them from Internet OR don't get married **

1:07pm

(Tony walks into the lab)

Tony: when did you first have sex

Bruce: uh

Tony: was it teenage years

Bruce: um

Tony: or later (gasps) oh my god are you a (whispers) virgin

Bruce: Ahh (stares) tony I'm not talking to you about sex

Bruce: that's captain's conversation topic

Tony: you're a virgin aren't you

Bruce: no

Tony: are you sure

Bruce: um, pretty sure that I'm not a virgin

Tony: how sure

Bruce: tony stark I am not a virgin

Tony: how often do you have sex

Bruce: uh

Tony: do you want me to hire you a (whispers) hooker tonight

Bruce: tonight?

Tony: hawk's bachelor party

Bruce: oh yeah, no, hire a hooker for hawkeye

Tony: (sighs) as if, he forbade me

Bruce: oh

Bruce: can you leave me alone now

Tony: fine but remember, it's okay to be a virgin but hookers don't really count

Tony: also do you have twenty dollars for me to buy a magazine and some chocolate and an energy drink

Bruce: I think you should lay off the energy drinks tony

Tony: aw

3:07pm

**Today you become Men, aka BACHELOR PARTY, aka Cap's first bachelor party, aka Thor's first bachelor party, aka how often does Bruce get laid **

Tony: (to bartender) good sir, I shall have a scotch, two beers, a vodka and coke and a sex on the beach

Bartender: forty dollars

Tony: I can afford it, I'm a millionaire

Bartender: stark, right?

Tony: yeah, it is

Bartender: woah, you're famous round here, you and your friends can have free drinks

Tony: I don't have friends

Bartender: who are they then?

Tony: them (points to the avenger men) they are my minions

Bartender: well you and your minions can have free drinks

**5:19pm **

**Free Drinks Overload, aka We Took It Too Far, aka Thor Doesn't Get Drunk, aka Captain is a lightweight, aka Too Many Blue Cocktails Makes Your Sick Blue **

(in the taxi)

Tony: good sir take us to a club

Driver: what kind of club

Bruce: a strip club

Driver: where

Thor: in new york

Driver: which street

Hawkeye: the schtreet where women strip

Driver: is that a real street

Captain: my shick is bluesy

**5:41pm **

**The Street Where Women Strip, aka Some Dodgy Club, aka Hello Ladies, aka Strippers have Odd Names **

(The men avengers are in a strip club)

Thor: I am Thor, and my almighty hammer is at home but you and I (gesture to his chest and the -large- chest of the stripper) we have electricity

Stripper: we do

Thor: we really do

Captain and Tony (yelling): hello ladies

Tony: we are rich millionaire geniuses

Captain: well one of us is

Tony: the other is a toned science miracle (still yelling)

Captain: oh tony don't please, it makes me squirm uncomfortably because I'm so not vain and I'm really shy about my looks but I know I'm hot

Tony: hot (laughs) honey you're stunning

Hawkeye: (to stripper) what's your name

Stripper: magnificent diamond

Hawkeye: oh that's an odd name

Stripper: is it

Hawkeye: it sure is

(A stripper approaches Bruce as he reads his book)

Stripper: you wanna dance

Bruce: uh no thanks, just reading my book

Stripper: oh (pauses) wait are you bruce banner

Bruce: my fame precedes me

Stripper: yeah you're like a wonder in the science world (sits down) your paper on relative gamma rays and radiation theory was amazing

Bruce: you read it?

Stripper: yeah it was in my university newspaper-the science one

Bruce: woah

Stripper: I'm doing physics at university to become like you

Bruce: a monster?

Stripper: a genius

**7:01pm **

**Subway, aka Eat Fresh, aka Captain Gets Sad Here For Some Reason, aka Bruce Has Gone Missing, aka Hawkeye's in the Toilet**

(Tony picks up his chicken and mayo sub)

Tony: where's bruce

Captain: what's the meaning of my existence

Thor: this sandwich is a foot long piece of barbecue heaven, tell me human (turns to the guy making sandwiches) would you think of joining shield to become our chef

Tony: he was talking to the stripper, wasn't he

Captain: I miss my world war two friends

Thor: give me another sandwich, human food preparation person

Tony: would pepper be my girlfriend if asked

Captain: ready for battle, sergeant (sobs)

Thor: tony pay the human food man for my new sandwich and human bring me steak

**10:29pm **

**The Wrong Tower, aka Empire State Building, aka Security Threats, aka Oops I Did It Again **

(Hawkeye looks up at the tower)

Hawkeye: we're home

(the gang enter the tower)

Thor: what is this abomination? tony, we've been gone for one evening out and the girls have re-decorated

Tony: peppeeeeerrrrrr! girrlllsss! nattt!

Captain: wanna go home

Thor: in the name of odin, why are we in this dreadful building

Thor: wait

Tony: we are in the empire state buildings!

Captain: building, there's only one

Hawkeye: detailsh pshhh

(Thor calls up Natasha)

Natasha: hi how's the bachelor party wait why are you calling me are you drunk is clint okay is clint dead is clint with a hooker tell him that he better come home from the hooker or he is dead

Thor: uhhhhhhhhh

Natasha: are you dying

Thor: we're in the empire state building and hawkeye is psssshing cappy and tony is drunk and tony is calling for pepper and it is tiring being sober

Captain: (in the background) hello mr security man we don't like this building and we don't like this world

Natasha: oh shit tell captain not to say that to a security guard

Thor: hang on, gotta go, call later

(Captain is stroking the security guard's arm)

Captain: we don't like this world or this building, we liked the chaos of the world wars, where we were needed, we want it back

Thor: he doesn't like this world or this building, the rest of this we love it (to Captain) shut up

Tony: helllooooo mr man, is there a mrs security guard because I sure would love to take her home to safety

Security Guard: backup! possible bomb threat!

(Ten million security guards dive on the avengers and there are many screams-mostly from Tony)

Tony: I was just kidding! I won't really take mrs security guard home, maybe to a hotel, but not home

Captain: are we being arrested? oops I did it again didn't I? I released our plans into the open hahahaha

**1:09am **

**The Car Ride Home, aka Natasha's Rubbish Car, aka Sorry Baby **

Natasha: idiots, idiots, idiots

Hawkeye: sorry baby

Natasha: you have to send full formal apologies to each of the security guards for trying to fight back and then for insulting them and their mothers

Tony: and their wives

Thor: and their daughters

Captain: well I was a perfect gentleman

Natasha: perfect gentleman (laughs fakely) you told them that you want chaos and you hate the world and the building

Captain: ah well...

Natasha: then the security guard told me that you started singing 'this building is on fire'

Captain: sorry

**5:07am **

**Natasha and Hawkeye's bedroom, aka The Room of Love, aka WHERE'S BRUCE **

Hawkeye: I am sorry nat

Natasha: just glad you four were safe

Natasha: FOUR (sits up) WHERE'S BRUCE (yells) WHERE DID YOU PUT BRUCE

Hawkeye: oh yeahhh, well we sort of lost him at the strip club

Natasha: (lies back down) TODAY YOU ARE LOOKING FOR YOUR FRIEND

Hawkeye: but it's the big game

Natasha: I DON'T GIVE A CRAP HAWK (turns over to face him) AND YOU'RE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH

Hawkeye: why

Natasha: NO STRIP CLUBS


	15. Chapter 15

Natasha Romanoff opened one eye and she saw that the whole squad were staring down at her, grinning. Well, Tony and Clint were grinning. Thor was looking quite scary, as usual, Captain was blushing because he probably deemed it unsuitable to be with a lady before she had gotten properly attired, Bruce was looking distracted- she assumed new science project that required his every waking thought to be based on that.

"What?" she muttered before shutting her eyes and rolling on her double bed so she had her head in her pillow.

After a moment, she turned her head and opened her eyes. They were still there, not a bad dream, unfortunately.

"What?" she asked again. Tony grinned even more. He was happy for...she checked her alarm clock. 11am! She shot up in bed, shocked. The last time she had woken up after 8am was when she was sixteen, with her first hangover. Vodka and cranberry still did knock her out after a few glasses. Especially Russian vodka.

"Why did none of you wake me up?" she snapped.

"You looked comfortable." Tony said. "I assume you'd be more comfortable if I was next to you."

Natasha ignored him and turned to Clint, her constant companion. "Why didn't you wake me up?"

"Experiment." Clint said.

"On me? How long have you been planning it? Oh my God, you didn't drug my hot chocolate last night so I slept longer?"

"You drink hot chocolate?" Tony smirked.

"Yes. Before bed. It helps me sleep," she explained and Tony grinned more.

"Bless."

"We didn't drug your drink." Clint interrupted. "This was an impromptu experiment as we heard words coming from your room this morning."

"I shot you with a sleeping serum so you'd fall into a longer deeper sleep." Bruce said helpfully. Natasha felt like punching someone. Tony seemed a good target.

As she got up, Tony seemed to sense her anger and stepped back quickly. "Ah, not my idea. Clint's idea." Tony shoved Clint. "Kill him, not me."

Clint glared at him. "It was Tony's idea to film it."

Captain quickly gave Natasha the videocamera. "I was threatened to film it or else."

"I don't blame you, Steve." Natasha said.

"Thank you, Natasha." Steve said. Clint scowled.

"What were you filming anyway?" Natasha asked. Tony smirked.

"Uh we heard words so we thought it was ya know pillow talk with the Cap." Tony said. Captain frowned.

"Pillow talk? Talking about pillows doesn't seem so interesting." Captain said.

"Then we saw Cappy coming out of the gym and then we decided to see who your hook-up was." Clint said.

"It turns out you were alone! But the men informed me that you have a condition called sleep-talking and we decided that it would be an interesting thing to document by filming you!" Thor exclaimed in excitement. "It was most revealing!"

"Uhhh what did I say?" Natasha walked over to Bruce with a threatening look on her face. "Banner?"

He caved easily as she knew he would. "I'll show you the tape." he said and quickly connected the camera to her TV with a lead. A shaky hand directed the camera at all the Avengers and landed on sleeping Natasha.

Bruce (distant crackly voice) : this is Doctor Bruce Banner, conducting an experiment on Natasha Romanoff about sleep-talking. My associates, Anthony Stark, Thor of Asgard, Steve Rogers and Clint Barton assist me in-

Tony: come ON Bruce. What's she saying?

Bruce: Tony! I'm doing an experiment so it HAS to be professional.

Tony: don't be a prat, Bruce, hurry up.

(The camera moves to Natasha on screen).

Natasha: how fast does the gorgon sing

(Stifled laughter from Clint)

Natasha: BARTON TWENTY SIT-UPS NOW OR I WILL REPORT YOU TO FURRY

Clint: is she awake?

(Bruce appears on screen with an injection and injects it into her cheek. "My cheek? You injected sleep serum in my CHEEK?" Natasha glared at him.)

Bruce: there we go. She won't wake up for another couple of hours now. You can also ask her stuff I think.

Tony: would you ever go out with me, Natty?

Natasha: shush tony sweetheart, don't be so ridiculous. Of course I

Tony: you what? You wouldn't? You would? What?

Natasha: if you're green and you know it fall asleep, oink oink. Maybe, just maybe I would date Thor but he's so dang tall and strange ya know? I would be a great chicken. Cluck. Cluck. Cluck.

(Tony burst into laughter. "Cluck," he said and Natasha slapped his head.)

Natasha: ohhh Tony.

Tony: wait what's she saying?

Natasha: Tony, Tony, my little Ironman. Don't you dare run away from me. I want you for life, Starky. Don't look at Captain there, I know you have the hots for him, you're not that secretive. I saw that kiss. But you like me too, you crave me.

(The camera showed Tony's half horrified, half cheerful face and then it went back to Natasha).

Captain: you know that's not true right? Right, guys?

Clint: Black Widow open your gates, reveal your SECRETS and let me exploit your RICHES

Thor: THAT WILL BE A QUOTE COMPETITION AT THE END WITH A FANFICTION PRIZE - FANFICTION OF YOUR CHOOSING WRITTEN BY ME NO MATTER HOW STUPID BUT NO LONGER THAN TEN CHAPTERS

Bruce: you say something, Thor?

Thor: no. READ THE CAPITALS.

Clint: who do you love?

Natasha: Banner. And Barton.

Clint: uh really?

Natasha: make them pay for my death, Thor.

Clint: okay

Natasha: okay? Is that all you can say to me, Thor? After everything, after our marriage. Our children. Poor Rosie and Raphael and Rash.

Clint: you called your dream kid Rash?

Natasha: Rash. Oh Rash. My baby girl.

Tony: crap, that's Fury calling us! We'd better run before he figures out what we're doing.

(The screen shakes for a minute then there is a view of the floor as the team run back to the kitchen then it finishes).

**SIDENOTE: THAT QUOTE COMPETITION IS OVER. OHMYGOSHCHEESE WON IT AND IT TURNED INTO MY A SMALL PROBLEM FANFICTION WHICH I WOULD LOVE IF YOU READ. IF NOT? WHO CARES?**


	16. Chapter 16

_This is Iron Widow and my first attempt so please be kind! _

Tony Stark and Natasha Romanoff were not exactly "two peas in a pod". They weren't even both peas. Tony preferred sushi to pizza. Natasha preferred vodka to scotch. Tony considered himself sociable and sophisticated. Natasha thought of herself as cold and a successful agent. Their differences and mutual attraction came to light during a lie test on the SHIELD airship.

"This is ridiculous." Natasha messed around with the elastic band on her wrist. "Why do we need to do this?"

"Mandatory." Tony said between sips of coffee. "Do you know who's interviewing us?"

"No. Fury said something about a group exercise though? We need to co-operate apparently."

"You are very unsociable." Tony pointed out.

"Yeah but you're selfish and annoying."

Tony just shrugged then the door opened. Clint and Steve came in, smiling. "We're asking you questions." Clint said. They both sat down and Natasha gulped. She knew how personal and invading her partner could be and she was dreading this now. She was a fluent liar but the lie test had been specially developed by Bruce and was bound to be the height of technology.

"First question." Clint said. "Are you a virgin? This is directed at all of you. You two, Steve."

Steve sputtered a bit. "Clint! That's...I'm not meant to be taking...Clint!"

"Uh no I'm not." Natasha rolled her eyes. "And you know it, Barton."

"Ooh how does he know?" Tony grinned. "You two done some hanky-panky? And I'm not."

"Not a partaker of sex?" Clint asked.

"Not a virgin."

"Steve, your go."

"No."

"C'mon."

"No!" Steve repeated and Clint scowled.

"Fine. Steve Rogers refuses to partake in the group lying exercise because he refuses to answer a question we all know the answer to."

"What?"

"Steve have you ever been married?"

"No."

"That's true. So you're a virgin?"

"What? Guys please stop." Steve pouted.

Natasha could see he was getting het up so she placed a hand on Clint's arm. "Hey, Hawk, maybe lay off him a bit?"

"Sure." Clint frowned. "Next question. Have you ever done anything sexual with any member of the Avengers and either Pepper Potts, Jane Foster or Maria Hill? If yes, please tell me who and under what circumstances. If you do not answer these questions, you will fail the test and be asked by Fury who will come up with way worse things to ask you!"

Natasha rolled her eyes again. "You know that answer too."

"Enlighten us." Clint said.

"Yes. You, once in Paris and once in LA. Uh..."

"Come on." Tony winked at her.

"Fine. Bruce. _Once as a drunken mistake._"

"Why didn't he tell me?" Tony pouted.

"Tony, your go." Natasha said.

"Twice in bed with Pepper. After arguing we were all heated up and the attraction...mmm. I accidentally touched Jane's ass once. Don't tell Thor that. I thought it was Natasha's. Jane forgave me. And Steve here once kissed my forehead."

"It was on a mission and I thought he was dead. Turns out he wasn't. Just let it go, Tony."

Tony grinned. "Oh and Bruce."

"Bruce?"

"Man-hugs and one accidental kiss. I swear it was an accident."

"You have a lot of accidents." Natasha frowned. "So that's four of us. You're so...ugh...can you not settle down and be less promiscuous?"

"Is that an offer to settle down with me?"

"No."

Clint checked the screen. "That's true."

"Have you ever thought about settling down with me or falling in love with me?"

"Love is for children." Natasha said coldly.

"Have you though?"

"No!"

The machine beeped and everyone stared at her. "That's a lie." Clint said.

"The machine must be mistaken."

"You've thought about settling down with me?" Tony asked.

"Um. Well haven't you thought about loving me?"

"Hell no!" Tony said and the machine beeped again. "Crap, forgot about the machine."

"So what? I haven't named our children or anything. Have you?"

"Well..." Tony squirmed slightly and looked at the machine. "I haven't not named our children."

"For God's sake, Stark!"

"I'm sorry! I was bored! My mind started to wander! I'm a genius; I don't ever think things half-through."

"Oh so you have to go the whole hog and name our non-existent children. We're not even dating, Stark. What the hell?"

"This is juicy." Clint whispered to Steve.

"Yeah but we should be!" Tony said. Natasha stared at him. "Yes, I've thought about it and yes, I'd love to date you. I've thought about coming home to you after a long hard day and just snuggling in bed. Just snuggling! No sex! How embarrassing is that." Tony flushed.

"That's sweet." Natasha said. "But I don't snuggle."

Steve giggled at the long beep.

"I don't snuggle with Stark then. God. I wish we'd never done this stupid test." Natasha stood up and walked out. Tony stared after her, eyes full of tears.

"Maybe honesty is the best policy with her, mate." Clint said.

"How? When I told her the truth she stormed out and yelled at me."

"You admitted your feelings though."

"Yeah. Thanks a lot for that."

"What did I do?"

"You're the one who asked if we'd ever done anything with an Avenger. Which led to this argument!"

"To be honest, you didn't help yourself."

"I'm going to find Natasha and say sorry and that you two messed with the test."

"So you're going to retract everything you just said?"

"Yes."

"Even though it's all true?"

"Yes."

"Even though you love her?"

"Yes. Wait, hold up, who said anything about love?"

"You just admitted it, Stark."

"But..."

"Go tell the damn girl that you fancy her, Stark! And don't tell us some pitiful excuse about why you two shouldn't be together! You belong together so don't BULLSHIT AROUND AND GO GET HER!" Steve shouted in a fit of rage. Tony grinned at him, laughed then went to go find Natasha.

...

Tony found her in the lab. Bruce glanced up at them and saw Natasha's tear-stained face and Tony's grim look then quickly left. He just hoped they would finally get together.

"Tasha?"

"What?"

"I love you."

"What!" It was a louder and more incredulous what and Natasha stared at her friend. "You love me."

"Yep. It's pretty awesome, being in love. I don't think I've tried it before."

"Stark, if you're lying..."

"In that room, admitting my feelings to you, I don't think I can lie to you ever again."

"Me neither. Tony, I don't want to lie to you anymore. love you too." She muttered.

"What happened in Budapest?"

"Excuse me?"

"No lies, remember?"

"That's your response to me admitting that I love you?"

"Uh..yeah?"

"What happened with you and Bruce's accidental kiss?" She shot back.

"No. I'm not telling you about that."

"I thought you were open about your sex life. I mean, you've told me enough stories about it."

Tony laughed and picked her up. She squealed as she wrapped her legs around him and the assassin kissed him slowly.

"You are my sex life." Tony said. Natasha laughed loudly.

"No questions about Budapest and I'll drop the Bruce thing."

"Okay. Deal. Anyway you're a lot better than Bruce."


	17. Chapter 17

**Group Chat **

Tony: morning, guys, how is your day faring?

Bucky: Anthony Stark? Please tell me how you got me in this group chat :(

Tony: Bucky? Steve's Bucky? This is odd. Hmm.

Bucky: so this wasn't intentional?

Tony: no way! This is awesome! I bet you have plenty of cool stories about Stevie :)

Steve: Bucky? Tony?

Steve: Bucky do not talk to him. Don't tell him anything!

_Steve Rogers has been muted._

Bucky: that's mean.

Tony: it's only for 5 minutes while you tell me EVERYTHING

Bruce: Bucky, pleasure to meet you. I'm Bruce Banner.

Tony: he's my friend

Bruce: friend?

Tony: well yeah...

Bruce: just a friend? That's what I am?

Tony: Bruce!

Bruce: I'm Tony's boyfriend.

Tony: he's my boyfriend then :)

_Bruce Banner has logged out._

Bucky: jeeez.

Clint: G'MORNIN' FELLOW COWBOYS OF THE FINE TEXAS STATE

Tony: huh?

Clint: (I'm in Texas for a mission with my cowgirl) HOWDY BUCKY, PLEASSSSURREEE TO MEET YA

Bucky: you too

Clint: TOP OF THE MORNIN' TO YA.

_Clint Barton has been kicked out._

Tony: sorry. So...Steve?

Bucky: ah yes!

Natasha: hello, can someone tell Clint to stop talking in an Irisih accccent when we are in Texas?

_**Natasha Romanoff has been muted.**_

Tony: c'mon, buckster

Thor: loki

Thor: is in my room

Thor: I just woke up and here he is

_Thor has been muted._

Bucky: uh isn't that serious?

Tony: deal with it later *laughs*

_Loki has logged in _

Loki: hello, human

Tony: shit

Bucky: oh lord

Loki: Stark thought he could evade me forever. I am in the tower and I subdued my brother and the Black Widow.

Tony: you beat natasha?

Loki: correct

Tony: if you subdued natasha, that means she's in the tower right?

Loki: correct

Tony: and natasha romanoff is currently in Texas with Barton

_Loki has logged off _

Bucky: do you want to hear some stories then?

Tony: YES THANK YOUUUU!

Fury: stark avengers assemble

Tony: what? Why?

Fury: potential security threat in Texas. Romanoff and Barton need back up.

Bucky: sorry, I HAVE TO GO

Tony: NO NO NO NO COME TO TEXAS WITH US

Bucky: goodbye, Tony.

_Bucky's account has been obliterated._

Tony: BUT-

Tony: BUCKSTER

Tony: COME BACK


	18. Chapter 18

**how I met your mother : by steve rogers**

_Hey, kids, did I ever tell you how I met your mother? It started one December when your Uncle Tony dragged me out to a karaoke bar with him and the other Avengers._

"Hey, Steve, c'mon, aren't you going to sing?" Clint's eyes reflected the spotlights on the stage where Thor was singing his heart out to a half-drunk crowd. "Or are you too chicken?"

"Steve is more man than you'll ever be." Natasha defended me but I didn't need defending. My defense was staying silent and ignoring all comments. It wasn't really working because the more Clint and Tony drank, the meaner they got and if Natasha defended me too much they got even meaner.

_I wasn't a wimp, though. I could beat both of them in a fair fight. I just couldn't deal with verbal abuse. _

"Can you even sing? Or do you sound like a cat being hit against a wall?" Tony smirked. Natasha sighed and went to the bar to get a drink. It was just us three now. Thor was still singing and Bruce had gone outside to make a phone call to his girlfriend then.

_That's your Aunt Maria. They didn't start dating for a long time after they'd met and even then it was a rocky relationship. They weren't always as in love as they are now._

"I can sing." I said defiantly. Singing was something I was proud of. I could belt out a tune without looking like an idiot. "Better than you two." If I was any other kind of man, I'd swear. Instead I cursed inside my head. After living with Tony and Clint and even Natasha for two years, I knew my fair selection of choice words.

"Go on then."

I knew he was goading me to make myself look like an idiot. I stood up and walked to the stage to their cheers. Thor glared at me as I took his microphone and disconnected it. He stomped off stage and joined Natasha at the bar. The bartender gave me a cute grin.

_No, that wasn't your mother. I told you that she was a scientist when I met her. _

"Hi, I'm Steve Rogers, and I'd like to sing a song." I said. Tony yelled something but I ignored him and concentrated on the light above everyone's head. "Uh, I don't think I need music. I know the tune."

"He does listen to Taylor Swift a lot." Clint smirked and said loudly.

Then I started to sing.

**Now I've had the time of my life. **

**No, I've never felt like this before.**

**Because I swear.**

**It's the truth. **

**And I owe it all to you. **

I knew there was a woman's part and I was prepared to either ignore it or sing it until a girl with red hair and bright eyes joined in. She was walking up to the stage, bright red and her friends were cheering. Evidently she had been forced on in the same sort of encouraging peer pressure I had been treated to.

**'Cause I've..had the time of my life.**

**And I owe it all to you.**

_And she sung like a professional. Better than those pop and rap rubbish you two listen to. You know how your mother always insists you listen to that song or watch the movie? That's why. That was the soundtrack to us meeting._

I sung on and kept a careful eye on the woman as she walked up to me and grabbed a microphone. "It's a duet." She told me. "Every duet needs two people. Even if it is two strangers. After all, everyone is a stranger untill you talk to them."

_and on that note, we carried on singing the song. _

_..._

Later, we both went to the bar and she smiled at me. I fell in love right there. With her dimples, her voice, her vibrant hair, the way she stood with one hand on her hip, leaning against the bar. "I'm Katie." She said. "You've got a decent voice. I mean, up there you were good. Great."

"Y-you too." I stammered. "I'm Steve."

"I'd better go now. It's getting late." She said and with her friends, walked out of the bar.

_I didn't know what to do then. So I ran outside and down the street towards her and asked for her phone number. And the rest, as they say, is history. That, Phil, Poppy, is how I met your mother. Now we'd better go. I think the helicarrier is here. You won't see me for a week; give me a hug. _


	19. Chapter 19

**how I met your father : by tony stark and bruce banner **

**Tony. **_**Bruce.**_

**Have I ever told you I how met your father? I mean, you know the official version with the battle with Loki and the science buddies and the Avengers initiative but have I ever told you when I realised I was gay-**

_**Tony! They're seven years old! They'll start repeating you. Do you want them to start calling everyone g-a-y? **_

**They can spell, Bruce. Honestly. Anyway, girls, I'll tell you the tale. It all started with a snowy day in December in the Avengers Tower...**

I was very bored and all the Avengers were busy. Steve was painting on the roof, Natasha and Clint were on a mission and Thor was with Jane, shacked up in her apartment for a romantic weekend.

**If you get what I mean.**

_**Tony!**_

**I mean, they were being romantic.**

_**You winked. Tony, just tell the story. Stop being rude. Honestly, girls, your daddy is damn dumb sometimes.**_

So I went up to Bruce's bedroom and made him come with me to get a coffee. We hadn't spoken for a while personally and we needed a catch up.

"So, what's up in the life of Bruce Banner?"

"Nothing much. How are you?" Bruce as always deflected the conversation back towards me.

I frowned at him. "Bruce, I know when something's wrong. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. We're bros, we're buddies, we're.."

"Okay, I'll tell you." Bruce said. I sipped my coffee. "My love life is pretty much non-existent and I'm worried that I'll become a hermit, basically."

"Your love life exists." I said.

"Who fancies me? Huh? No-one?"

"I'm sure someone does." I reassured him. "I'm sure someone will."

**I didn't understand then how prophetic that was. **

We got back and Steve was cooking an apple pie. We avoided him and went to the lab. Bruce reached for a mug in a cupboard and I saw his shirt lift up and...

_*cough* ahem, Tony? _

**Apologies. I'll tone it down a bit.**

I saw Bruce's shirt lift up and I saw his stomach and his back and the beginning of his boxers just above his pants. My heart flipped and I felt like I needed to tell him something. But I didn't know what. "Bruce?" I said, hesitatingly.

"Yeah?" Bruce asked and he smiled at me warmly.

"You know what you said before?"

"About what?"

"About no-one fancying you?" I walked towards him and birds sang away and the deer and rabbits danced around the lab as I kissed him. Bruce, my best friend, my science buddy. And he kissed me back. Passionately kissing.

_Tony, honey..._

Then Steve walked in on us. It was humiliating. He dropped his apple pie, gave us a wide-eyed look and walked slowly away. Bruce and I carried on kissing; my eyes were glued to his because I don't know if you've noticed but your father has such intelligent and sharp eyes. Not like Clint's where he notices everything, they're sharp in the way that he can see through to your very soul.

_**Tony, that's adorable. I never knew you liked my eyes so much.**_

**I love your eyes. See, sweeties, that is how I met your father. Shall we play hide and seek before Fury gets here?**

_**I'll pair up with Clarissa and Tony, you go hide with Samantha, okay? **_

**Quick! Go, go! **

_**I love you, Anthony Stark.**_

**You too, Bruce Banner.**


	20. Chapter 20

_I'm gonna love ya._

_Until you hate me._

_And I'm gonna show ya_

_What's really crazy_

Natasha had dragged Liam, who she'd been dating for a couple of months, to her room, throwing out waves of contempt with her scowl and black looks. He knew she was just playing around; she always scowled in public, kept a cool face, but when they were alone, she was normal and civilized. Liam had looked at her when she shut the door and a small smile had broken out over her face. "Hey, honey."

_You should've known better _

_Than to mess with me, honey_

A few weeks later, Natasha had heard that Liam had told a few of his SHIELD friends about their "crazy sex". It had spread round the helicarrier like wildfire and she confronted him the day Clint had told her about the rumor. The true rumor, as Clint knew, but he still pretended he thought it was gossip.

"You always put on a stone cold face in public." Liam tried to excuse himself. "I had to tell my friends that we were fine."

"Fine? I love you, Liam, and you love me, right? We're more than just fine."

"Right. Sorry."

"I'm withholding sex for a week," Natasha warned him as she stormed out and Liam just shook his head.

_I'm gonna love ya, I'm gonna love ya _

_Gonna love ya, gonna love ya _

_Like a black widow, baby_

Natasha looked at Liam from across the table with the same distasteful look she used for mere SHIELD agents. He raised an eyebrow at her and she gave him a lazy smile before turning back to the meeting. He knew that that was how she showed affection in public. She wasn't big on PDA. He knew that. He understood that. That was the way she had learnt to love, after a childhood of being told **not **to show any affection, **not **to fall in love. Love was for children but Natasha couldn't help the nervous and shy feeling she got when she looked at Liam. That was obviously love.

_The twisted cat and mouse game always starts the same _

_First we're both down to play then somehow you go astray_

_We went from nothing to something, liking to loving_

_It was us against the world and now we just fucking _

"We don't share anymore." Natasha said to Liam as they started to drift off to sleep in bed. Since we became domestic, she added in her head. After a year, moving in together, and the discussion of the future, they had become like an old married couple. And the hate started. When Liam drunkenly kissed someone else at a Christmas party and Natasha did the same at a leaving party, she thought it was a done thing. They were even. But then he did it again and she knew he couldn't control himself when he was drunk. It was fine. But they didn't talk anymore; they didn't say I love you anymore.

"We used to be so in sync," she continued. "Now it's just like we're sleeping together for the sake of it."

Liam didn't reply.

_It's like I loved you so much and now I just hate you_

_Feeling stupid for all the time that I gave you_

_I wanted all or nothing for us ain't no place in between_

_Might, might be me believing what you say that you never mean_

_Like it'll last forever but now forever ain't as long_

_If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be stuck singing this song_

"I thought you loved me!" Natasha yelled and Liam looked at her.

"I thought I did too." he said and carried on packing his suitcase. "It's been two years since we got together. Two and a half years since I saw you at training and fell in love with you." He gave a sigh for emphasis as he said the next words: "I wanted it all for us. Or I didn't want to be with you. But now? I know that it won't work out. So I'm sorry."

"You told me we'd be forever." Natasha said. "I gave you two years of my life. I became part-time at SHIELD so we could live a more normal life. I haven't spoken to Clint Barton for what? Six months? You told me we'd be forever."

"Forever's a long time to be unhappy." Liam said and it made her heart sink. He saw how hurt she looked and zipped up his suitcase. "I'll get the rest of the stuff later. I'm sorry. I didn't mean everything I said."

"just then or when you was promising me forever?"

"Both."

_You were different from my last but now you got it mirrored_

_And as it all plays out I see it couldn't be clearer_

_Now sing_

Natasha collapsed on the bed, her face wet with tears and a choking noise in her throat. Since when was love so crap? She thought Liam would be different from the others before. The others she hadn't really loved but she'd liked enough to date and feel attached and then they broke her heart. Or she broke their hearts. But the way he had always gotten handsy with other girls when he was drunk; reminiscent of Brian.

The way he refused to cook; Eric.

The way he teased her with a small smile; Clint.

Oh.

_You used to be thirsty for me_

_But now you wanna be set free_

_This is the web, web that you weave_

_So baby now rest in peace (It's all over with now)_

A month later, Natasha was back in the helicarrier for good and she saw Clint chatting up a few fresh-faced pretty recruits. She shook her head as he spotted her. Instantly, he dismissed the recruits and hugged her.

"Tasha, I've missed you. I beat Liam up in training when I'd heard what happened." He grinned.

"Did you ever fancy me? Were we ever a thing?"

"Um, yes but you didn't really realize it."

"Was there anything serious between us?"

"There was something." Clint said with an embarrassed smile. "I was kind of stuck fancying you. You weave a tight web, Spider. I gave up on you eventually."

"Yeah." Natasha shrugged. "It's all over now."

_I'm gonna love ya_

_Until you hate me (Right)_

_And I'm gonna show ya (Show 'em what show 'em what)_

_What's really crazy_

_You should've known better_

_Than to mess with me, honey (it's all over with now)_

_I'm gonna love ya, I'm gonna love ya_

_Gonna love ya, gonna love ya_

_Like a black widow, baby_

_Black, black widow, baby_

Natasha looked murderously at Liam's new girlfriend, Agent Lorena Duke. Duke was blonde and petite and the opposite of Natasha. Clint kept nudging her but he couldn't forcefully stop her from glaring. She was like poison.

Like a black widow.

_The song was Black Widow by Iggy Azalea and Rita Ora (great song)._


End file.
